Destiny Players Magically Get Better Internet Somehow

Destiny players who were struggling to play the game on slow connections have given heartfelt thanks to Bungie today, after the company pointed out that maybe they should just, like, get a better internet connection.

“Our new ‘Damage Referee’ system ensures that anybody with a slow connection can just get fucked,” explained Bungie networking engineer Paul Lewellen.

“We think this will give you a great reason to improve your connection.”

Lewellen’s suggestion has been eagerly embraced by Destiny players, who were wondering why they didn’t think of it before.

“I was under the impression that the connection speed to my house was out of my control and there was literally nothing I could do about it even if I wanted to,” explained gamer Ethan Penter.

“But thanks to Bungie I know that’s not the case! I can just get a better internet connection, er, somehow.”

Gamer Neil Carabine was similarly elated.

“I actually specifically asked my internet provider to give me less than the maximum possible speed at all times. Frankly fast internet scares me, so I made sure that I was getting terrible, terrible speeds rather than really good speeds.”

“After what Bungie said today though, I realise I was wrong to do that. I’ll be calling up my internet provider and asking them to make my speeds faster.”

“Such a thing is definitely possible for me, the average person.”

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