Sauron Overwhelms Middle-Earth After Spending Big On In-Game Gold
Evil has finally defeated Good today and Middle-Earth is now under the control of the dark lord Sauron, after the ancient evil spent more than $1500 on in-game gold to bolster his armies.
Following the announcement of new in-game purchases, Sauron was able to increase his armies at a much faster speed than the cash-strapped forces of good. Randomly generated orc followers of varying strength have since laid siege to the walls of Minas Tirith, shattered the gates of Rivendell, and razed the Shire to the ground.
Sauron explained that although the purchases were “strictly optional”, he felt that the best strategy for him personally was to take advantage of the flexibility they offered.
“It’s not unfair at all,” explained the dark lord at a war council meeting, surrounded by a variety of randomly-generated soldiers, his limbs gleaming with purchased experience bonuses.
“Everything that I’ve been doing with these purchases could also be done for free by simply fighting the war normally.”
“It’s about having options. For example, I had the option to win, because I had more money. That’s an option that was available to me, and I took it. You don’t have to like it, but that’s the free market for you.”
Although things are looking grim for what precious little light remains in this world, there may yet be some hope as Sauron appears to have temporarily maxed out his credit card.
“No comment,” explained the angry master of all evil, as bank hold music warbled gently out of the nearby Palantír.
Did you like this article? All of our equally good jokes from 2016 are now on Kickstarter in magazine form! Think of how attractive and powerful you would be with such an artefact in your possession! (Very)