Rockstar Reassures Public: Only Staff Who Volunteer Are Fed Into The Gnashing Metal Teeth Of The Machine

Recent media reports may have painted a picture of dire work conditions at Rockstar Games, but according to CEO Dan Houser, every staff member at the company is free to stay away from the gnashing metal teeth of The Machine, if they choose to do so.

“The Machine has over 500,000 pieces, 300,000 of which are wickedly curved and razor sharp blades,” said Houser. “It’s really a labour of love, and if some of our more dedicated staff choose to gift their own meat to these ravenous teeth, then that’s just what it means to work at Rockstar.”

“Although it is true that, on average, 65% of our San Diego office floor space is devoted to a nightmarish configuration of hungry metal, we want to be clear that only our most passionate employees will volunteer to enter this dark, glistening place,” Houser confirmed.

Houser’s clarification on the issue has left many of those who pre-ordered Red Dead Redemption 2 relieved. Local gamer Jerome Clayton told Point & Clickbait that there was no reason to believe any Rockstar employees were being “shredded in those horrible metal jaws” against their will.

“If a CEO says that these workers are entering the chattering hallways of their own free will, then I have every reason to trust them,” said Clayton.

“Everyone knows that when your boss says something is voluntary, that it really is voluntary, and that there will be absolutely no consequences for refusing. It’s just common sense, especially if your job is really precarious and you have no rights.”

“That’s when it’s the most voluntary.”

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