Oh, So You Think We’re Lazy? Here Are The Names Of All The QA Staff Who Died During Production
Making a game is a team effort. Hundreds of people working together as a well-oiled machine – bringing together the best of their discipline in search of becoming something greater, something more than the sum of their parts. But sometimes, that perfect art form is not enough for entitled fucks like you, who can only demand more and more and more again.
Well! We won’t stand for it. We won’t bow and scrape and come crawling to you on our knees, apologising that our latest game only includes 10,000 unique legendary weapons and 700 hours of content. Fuck you! I bet you’d change your tune if you saw how many QA people literally died to make this game happen, which is why I have very sadly asked my HR staff to bring me all of their names.
Strap in, asshole – you’re about to get guilted.
Balch Pambick (38)
It’s said that the localisation leads are often the unsung heroes of game development, which is the precise argument we put forward to Balch when we demanded that she take on additional duties on top of her already admittedly crushing schedule. Balch, who spoke only English and some very limited French to begin with, presumably delighted in learning four additional languages on top of her other tasks. The fact that it took three days for anyone to find her body curled up in a bathroom stall is less a comment on her importance to the team, and more about the dedication of a team that refuses to take bathroom breaks.
Dino Ogribić (27)
A beloved fixture of the office, Dino used to entertain us regularly with his hilarious stand-up routines, such as “man with RSI tries to type”, “man who does not have any sick leave pretends to be well enough for work”, and “man who works 95 hours in a week dies of exhaustion”. I’ll always remember his classic catch phrases like “I’m not doing a bit, I’m in terrible pain,” and “I’m going to the National Labor Relations Board”. God, I miss him.
Bubsy Snith (42)
It’s astonishing to watch a man age out of the industry before your very eyes as Snith did, turning to dust and floating away on the wind right in the middle of a, we’ll admit, particularly grueling Wednesday. His wife, who had reported him missing three years earlier, was surprised to learn that her husband had still been alive all this time. Remember her next time you think that it’s “lazy” to only offer ten colour variations for the weed leaf you can adorn your machine pistol with.
Janeesh Anand (31)
What I’ll always remember about Janeesh is that she had a dream to be a doctor. I mean, she was a fully qualified doctor, but her qualifications weren’t recognised here so she ended up as one of our contract QA staff. But the important thing is that she never gave up on that dream. “Never give up!” is what I used to say to her as I walked past the QA offices at 3PM while I was clocking off. At least that’s what I would have said if we didn’t move the QA offsite for legal reasons, or if I knew what she looked like. Anyway I can’t technically be sure that she’s dead, but if she was, I bet you’d feel like an entitled piece of shit right now. Asshole.
Stiff Andersen (34)
A loving young father of three, Stiff first joined our company at the tender age of 34. This upstart go-getter contributed so much to our company over the 6 months he was here that we almost came to look at him like family, until the time we found him hunched over at his desk, “sleeping” when there were 1,670 bugs assigned to him. Of course, like any loving father would upon finding his son in such a situation, I immediately ordered security to take him behind the maintenance shed and shot.
Stefeen Lendon (??)
One of the things that people always noticed about Stefeen was his smile. “Wide,” they would say, or maybe words like “too many teeth”. And yes, I admit that it’s possible Stefeen had too many teeth, and also possible that he had the enlarged pupils and elongated claws of something close to, but not quite human. Did that stop him from churning through his pile of bugs like an absolute beast? Of course not! And it’s not Stefeen’s fault if his presence caused milk to sour and paint to peel. I’ll always defend him for that. What I can’t accept is that he parked in my parking space, so I had him wrapped in cold iron and sunk to the bottom of the river. Also I think I heard him talking about unionising, so better safe than sorry.
Lucky Gindelworth (17)
Okay, this one’s actually pretty sad.
Chanch Pinderworth (19)
A graduate from the prestigious Digital Media Building A On South Campus course in Game-Adjacent Programming, Chanch caught our eye with their final year project where all the students were required to intern for free at nearby companies in order to get enough course credit. There’s no denying that Chanch did some fine work in the two months that they were here, but after that period was up and they formally wrote to us asking to become a salaried employee, we had no choice but to have them run over in the carpark.
Gurnville (at least 170)
This man-of-mystery was a hit with most of the office, and his penchant for working through the night was something for us all to aspire to, even if he demanded to be housed in the darkest corner of the office during the day. He often described Happy Smile Games as “the perfect place for someone like me to work, ah-ha-ha,” and although we suspect that he was responsible for at least three of the other deaths on this list, we were all a bit sad when our social media intern opened a blind for the first time in the studio’s history and our old pal burst into flames. It’s always a relief when they don’t have a next of kin, at least.
If this list moved you to apologise to us, the best way to do that would be to pre-order the $200 collectors edition of our next game. You piece of shit. Thanks.