13 Mistakes In Netflix’s “The Witcher” That Only A True Fan Would Notice

Think that Netflix’s The Witcher was a canny adaptation of Sapkowski’s source material that presented an intriguing new take on a well-worn fantasy world, do you? Wrong, idiot! You’re so stupid! Only real Witcher fans – the people who actually matter – noticed these 13 glaring mistakes.

CANON CONFLICT: In episode one, Geralt insists that sorcerers “always speak in riddles”. In Blood of Elves, Andrzej Sapkowski establishes clearly that sorcerers always speak in “Parseltongue, from the Harry Potter books.”

GAFFE: After the credits roll on episode one, we learn that Geralt of Rivia, “The Witcher” from the title, is played by Henry Cavill. This is a mistake because Henry Cavill cannot act.

CONTINUITY ERROR: Episode two introduces the character of Tissaia, the headmistress of the magical Aretuza academy. A true fan would know that this character does not exist in any of CDProjekt RED’s The Witcher games, so we’re not sure why she has been added here. Very disappointing to see canon disrespected.

MISSED OPPORTUNITY: Geralt begins episode three having just finished sleeping with a local sex worker. This is an error because I would have liked to have seen them fucking. That would have been nice, and also correct.

MISSED OPPORTUNITY: Think about it, though.

GAFFE: During episode four, Geralt is offered the chance to ask a boon of Queen Calanthe. After hesitating for a moment, Geralt looks directly at the camera and asks for a “refreshing Budweiser”. However, Cintra famously boycotted Budweiser in the events of Time of Contempt, so there is no chance that Calanthe would ever be able to honour his request, even though America’s favourite pale lager would slake his thirst and ease the burdens of being a witcher.

GAFFE: Later in the same episode, Ciri drinks deep of the waters of Brokilon. After these waters seemingly have no effect, Ciri wipes her mouth, burps loudly and says “I would have preferred a refreshing Budweiser.” Ciri, aged 13 at the time, would clearly be too young to have a preference for a pale lager, although we certainly understand the impulse to sit back and enjoy a delightful Budweiser at the end of a hard day, and its smooth, crisp flavour means that it can be enjoyed by anyone.

PERSONAL CHOICE: After episode four was finished, I went to the fridge and cracked open a refreshing Budweiser.

CANON CONFLICT: At the beginning of episode five, a man named Borch Three Jackdaws offers Geralt a quest. This is inconsistent with the events of The Witcher video game series, where a person who offers a quest has an exclamation mark over their head.

POST-PRODUCTION ERROR: There is a red circle on the screen in episode five.

CONTINUITY ERROR: Episode six, Before a Fall, shows all of the members of the mages council gathered at Aretuza to discuss what to do about Nilfgaard. However, I wasn’t paying attention, so I’m not sure what Nilfgaard is or who any of these people are. If we can go back that would be great.

GAFFE: There is no episode seven because the torrent file that I used replaced it with something called “bitcoin_miner.exe”. Not sure what Netflix was thinking here but I’m going to call it a bold creative choice.

CANON CONFLICT: In episode eight, Geralt asks the merchant Yurga whether he wants to hear “some fresh beats,” and then proceeds to play Will Smith’s Gettin’ Jiggy With It loudly from his iPhone speaker while Roach breakdances. This is clearly an error, as Geralt is an Android user.

Did you spot any other catastrophic fuck-ups that we missed? Be sure to cc us in on your death threats to the production team.

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