Microsoft Auditions For Bewildered, Awkward Rapper To Appear At E3 Press Conference
Software giant Microsoft is on track to deploy yet another killer E3 conference, and the hunt is on for a key plank in their presentation strategy: the confused rap artist who looks like they would rather be anywhere else in the world.
“When people think Microsoft, they think stilted, uncomfortable dialogue,” explained Stacey Tate, one of the casting agents behind the operation. “We’ve delivered that perfect cringe for many years now and I’m confident that the strong Xbox One sales figures, which I haven’t seen myself, presumably reflect our solid strategy.”
Point & Clickbait understands that prospective candidates (who are hopefully not white) are being asked to stand next to an even more awkward-looking senior manager (who is definitely white) while he reads from a script which contains lines such as “After we’ve finished playing the latest dope games on our Xboxes, do you want to bounce some hoops at the b-ball?”
If the rap artist can make it through the entire scene without their face twitching even once, they go onto the shortlist. Several candidates have already been hospitalised from what doctors call ‘hyper-vomiting’, but Tate is unapologetic.
“It’s a tough gig,” the casting manager explains. “Not everyone has the stamina to withstand a massive corporation like Microsoft leeching off their street cred and cultural relevance like this. It’s an intense workout. I’m not going to apologise for wanting the best.”
At the time of writing, one of the most promising candidates so far was a young latino recording artist, who managed to weakly smile and say “haha, yeah, man” after several strained seconds of silence.
“See that? That’s what I’m talking about!” shouted Tate, enthusiastically. “That’s what Xbox means to people.”