BioWare Marketing Team Hoping Commander Shepard’s Decomposing Corpse Has A Few More N7 Days Left In It
Worried-looking BioWare staff on the marketing team have admitted that they fear the rapidly-rotting corpse of Commander Shepard may not survive another N7 day celebration.
With many fans now commenting that the commander “seems a bit stiff” and “has a strange odour”, BioWare staff are working overtime to make sure the illusion continues.
Since the release of the last Mass Effect game, which BioWare says was “definitely Mass Effect 3, ha ha,” enterprising staff have been forced to keep coming up with increasingly more ridiculous solutions to “keep the good times rolling.”
“We’ve resorting to opening up Shepard’s body and just stuffing as much goddamn merchandise as we can into the cavities, but honestly this isn’t going to hold forever,” said one staffer to Point & Clickbait as they took a frantic drag on a cigarette.
Matters have become more difficult, staff say, after Electronic Arts issued a directive warning BioWare “not to speak of the game that came after Mass Effect 3” and “retconned” all of the developers who were working on future DLC for “whatever that game was”.
“We’ve got nothing to work with any more,” continued a marketing manager. “Hey, remember the fucking Mako or whatever?”
“Woo-hoo,” they added desperately.
Still other staff are working on what they call a “transition plan” for the future, which involves recording all-new voice lines for the next N7 Day celebration.
“Get a load of this,” said one of the BioWare staff. ‘I’m Commander Shepard, and Anthem is my favourite game on the PlayStation 4,’ huh? What do you think?”
“Now imagine Jennifer Hale is saying it, and not whoever the other guy is. Pretty cool, huh? Pretty cool?”