Our Weapons Are Useless Against These Horrifying Shoggoths Which Kind Of Look Like Wario, And Nintendo Fans Are Losing It
Here’s one for the Nintendo lovers in the audience – the endless army of undulating, leathery shoggoths, the colossi forces spawned from the Hellmouth that are currently annihilating our armed forces as they march across the nation, look just a little bit like Wario! Unbelievable.
With short but muscular arms ending in powerful claws, a stubby body plated in unnaturally thick scales, and beady lidless eyes that drip and bleed, there’s no doubt that this is the closest Nintendo fans are going to get to witnessing their favourite libertarian icon in the flesh – especially since the appearance of the creatures heralds The End of All Things and there will categorically be no further chances to do so.
The first person to spot the uncanny, almost unreal resemblance was YouTuber Dan “The Scrundler” Scrundle, who literally went insane when his eyes fell upon the creature’s hideous and slightly-moustachioed visage as it walked through the wall of his house, flattening his dog and devouring his parents (whose minds were mercifully annihilated before the beast’s impossible-yet-familar mouth consumed them).
In a video uploaded to his fans seventeen minutes later, The Scrundler described his encounter with the creatures as “WE ARE BLESSED! WE ARE BLESSED! WE ARE BLESSED! OUR FLESH IS BLESSED!” and encouraged anyone interested in learning more to “LIE DOWN AND AWAIT DEATH”, which was punctuated by Wario’s famous ‘wah-ha-ha!’ laughter.
Some fans reported that they were concerned by the way that the mouth of this famous Nintendo fanboy appeared to be moving out of sync with his words and was transmitting at “an inhuman pitch which turned my milk sour and turned my cat inside out”, but at the time of reporting the video had 9K likes and appeared to be well on the path to a successful monetisation for this struggling content creator.
In a statement, Nintendo denied that The End of All Things and the inevitable enslavement of mankind by a race of unkillable horrors was a marketing stunt for a new WarioWare title, saying only that fans should “LIE DOWN AND AWAIT DEATH”.
Coming up tomorrow: we all love otters. But before it was destroyed in an instant by the explosion that wiped out the entire state of Minnesota, one zoo in Minneapolis was terrorised by an otter that looked exactly like Waluigi…