Sam Fisher Worried After Evil Corporation’s Union Successfully Bargains For Vision Therapy As Part of Company Health Insurance
Veteran murderer Sam Fisher has weighed into the discussion on corporate health insurance today, claiming that if the enemy guards receive the vision therapy they bargained for, he will be out of work.
The union representing these generic guards, United Thugs & Goons, says that the new health insurance will pay for “much-needed eye surgery” so that guards “can actually see things that are more than a metre away”.
“It’s all very well to be asked to patrol around an abandoned warehouse, or perhaps a military base, but what a lot of the special operatives out there don’t understand is that once our members go home and try to take part in regular civilian life, they struggle heavily with the basics, like seeing things, spotting things, remembering where things are, for example,” UTG spokesperson Gorfon Fank told us.
At this point Fank paused, hearing the glass of a security camera shatter somewhere in the distance, and briefly got up to yell into the shadows “come out, come out, FISHER, wherever you are! I know you’re out there, FISHER! I know what you did at the airfield, FISHER, and I won’t let you get away it again!”
Fank returned to his seat, muttering about his imagination getting the better of him, before continuing. “We’re really proud of our members for standing up and saying – yes, we want to shoot people on sight, we’re absolutely ready to just open fire at the slightest sign of trouble, but first of all we need to have the sight to be able to do that,” he told us under the single dim bulb that lit the interview room.
However not everyone is on board with the UTG’s radical healthcare plan, with industry heavyweights like Sam Fisher, who has personally choked 97,430 guards to death with his bare hands (the majority by accident when he knocks them out), saying that it would give his enemies an “unfair advantage”.
“We have a perfectly functional system right now,” Fisher told Point & Clickbait at an unimpeded volume as he crouched one metre away from an ignorant guard cycling through his three unique forms of special vision. “I go into the base. I kill all of the guards, or maybe I just knock them unconscious and leave them in various dumpsters. Then I leave the base.”
“This is the way we’ve been doing it for years, and frankly I feel that it would be dangerous to mess with a winning formula.”
We attempted to interview a nearby guard for further insight into their struggles, but were unable to get their attention in time before they had their neck mysteriously snapped.