Assassin’s Creed Odyssey’s Giant Stone Dick And Balls Helped Me Come To Terms With My Own Giant Stone Dick And Balls
Being different from the other kids is tough. When I was young, I wanted nothing more than to be normal, but I was forced to stand out. It wasn’t because of my skin colour, or my accent, or even because of my parents. No, it was of something else – it was because of my enormous, impossibly huge dick and balls, carved in fantastical detail from solid stone.
Where the other kids could simply catch the bus to school, I had to ride in the back of my mum’s flatbed trailer, with my enormous dick dragging on the road behind and kicking up a cloud of dust. Where the other kids would enjoy hobbies like sports, or learning to play an instrument, I had to stay behind, stuck in detention yet again after my gigantic, unwieldy dick got stuck in a doorway and ploughed its way through a retaining wall.
If you’ve never had your bloodline cursed by an ancient and terrible lich, you won’t know what it’s like to born with a twenty-foot stone chongus that weighs several tons and is carved from pure marble. You simply can’t. I’ve learned to bury the pain over the years, but it still tears me up inside to see that I’m not represented in popular culture. Despite massive advances in representation, there was always one thing missing from video games: a character with a preposterously oversized penis and testicles, made of ancient rock.
Assassin’s Creed Odyssey changed all of that for me. When I loaded up the game, the last thing I was expected was to see Zeus’ majestic stone dick and balls, just looming there, waiting for me to reach out and grab them. I stood there for minutes, absorbing the immensity of it – here, finally, was someone just like me, a creature cursed to bear a phenomenal, beastly stone dong from now until the end of time.
Some people say that representation doesn’t matter, that only gameplay should matter. But I like to think we all have our own personal stories, and our own quiet moments of inspiration – and as I scampered up and down that monstrous battering ram-sized phallus, using folds in the scrotum as hand-holds, I finally understood that my gigantic stone dick was nothing to be ashamed of.
Nobody should be ashamed of who they are, even if the local shopping centre has issued a restraining order on the grounds of “massive property damage”, or if they lost every game of hide-and-seek as a child due to the massive furrows carved into the earth with their passing which left easy-to-follow trails through the local park. Much like the tons of flawless marble attached to my groin, I have carried this shame all of my life.
Seeing that colossal stone schlong has lifted this enormous weight from my shoulders. Ubisoft wasn’t afraid to put someone like me front and centre, to make Zeus’ cyclopean stone dick and balls the centrepiece of their message. For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m meant to be here. It’s a powerful feeling, and it’s one that I hope the rest of society can come to terms with.
There’s a place in gaming for everyone, even those of us with mountains of phallic stone dragging across the floor behind us at the public library. Thank you, Ubisoft, for showing me that it’s not what’s lodged in the turnstile at the stadium that defines us – it’s what’s in our hearts.