Blizzard CEO Apologises For Moral Failings, Blames Loot Box For Failing To Drop “Epic Bravery”

A humbled, penitent J. Allen Brack has taken the stage at Blizzcon 2019 to apologise for Blizzard’s catastrophic handling of the recent Hong Kong controversy, blaming a failure of his loot box to drop the required bravery and courage.

The Blizzard CEO delivered the apology for his apology ahead of the opening ceremony, gripping the podium tightly as he suggested that he found the whole process of “duplicate cowardice” very demoralising.

“When I think about what’s happening in Hong Kong right now… the clear and obvious struggle between a fascist oppressive authoritarian regime, and a movement for democracy and freedom… that’s a tough Hearthstone moment for sure,” Brack said. 

“That’s a textbook tough Hearthstone esports moment. That’s what esports is all about, probably.”

“Of course, I saw all of that happening, and I wanted to stand up for what was right. I wanted to do the right thing. But every time I tried to do that, I just kept rolling things like cowardice, shamefulness, spinelessness… just nothing but blues and greys. And that sucks.” Brack has reportedly spent over $30 of his own money in an attempt to find some courage, or at least a ‘contrition’ emote.

An emotional Blizzcon crowd booed heavily at the idea of duplicate loot box items, causing Brack to pause and nod soberly. 

“At the end of the day, there’s simply no way for anybody to control what is in a loot box, or what comes out of it,” Brack continued. “Nobody knows. It is perhaps the will of God, or maybe the will of one of Diablo’s famous archangel figures such as Tyrael, which can be purchased in Funko Pop form at the merchandise stand in Hall C,” he concluded.

Brack later brushed aside suggestions that the “common and uncommon moral failings” he was accruing could be combined and used to forge a rare or perhaps even epic set of principles, calling the idea “interesting” and “something to look at in a future update”.

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