The Top Five Ways To Make Money So That You Can Immediately Spend It On Free To Play Mobile Games

It happens to the best of us – we download that free clicker, or that silly match three puzzle game, or that branded city builder, and suddenly it’s taking over our lives and demanding fresh injections of cash every day. You start small, buying 30 gold keys for just $5, but before too long you’ve invested thousands. The sunk-cost fallacy dictates that you must keep spending, and who are you to argue?

But to really get the most out of the game, you’ll need much, much more money than you’re currently earning. Unlike other websites who are too afraid to give you the real tips, we’ve investigated the best ways to become rich and earn the money you’ll need to really get ahead in whatever bullshit game you happen to be addicted to.

Follow these steps and you’ll rise right to the top of the leaderboards!

1. Establish an Oil Drilling Company

First things first – the real money’s in oil. Become a prospector and set out for New Mexico (make sure you bring a voltage converter so you can keep your phone charged – it might be worth investing in a power bank too since you need to check this fucking game every four hours for the free bonuses). It’ll take time, but stick with it and eventually you should find enough gold to establish your own drilling company – and this next step is really important – adopt the son of a co-worker who dies on your first drilling site.

2. Make A Deal with A Local Pastor Whose Family Property Sits On A Rich Vein of Oil

If you can tear yourself away from that bloody game for a moment, it’s worth visiting the pastor who you are pretty sure you can, over years of animosity and mind games, bilk for the oil beneath his property. In time, you’ll discover that if you simply purchase the surrounding properties, you’ll really be able to screw him. You want to make it happen fast, though – there’s a sale on loot boxes this weekend, and a 50 pack has been reduced from $114.95 down to a mere $84.95.

3. Fall in With A Mysterious Half Brother Who Shows Up Unexpectedly

Straight up: this one’s not going to pan out so well, and at one point your son will try to burn down the house you all live in together. But it’s important to stay in touch with your humanity, even if that means trusting a stranger claiming to be a member of your family, when you’re spending six fucking hours a day tapping at the screen hoping to find the right piece of armour that will let you bypass the next dungeon boss.

4.  Abandon Your Son

As the basic veneer that rendered you unto the world as anything other than a monster slips away, and you find yourself needing more and more income to fund your obsession with this game that purports to be ‘free’ in what you now see as an ironic mockery of your own weaknesses, it’s time to send your (recently deafened) son off to a school in San Francisco. Now you’ll have more time to focus on this hellish gamified prison that you realised, some time ago, you don’t actually enjoy.

5. Live Out Your Days in Murderous Solitude 

Look, there are some steps between 4 and 5, but we’d be spoiling the fun if we didn’t allow you to discover them yourself along the way. The important thing is that by the end of this journey are alone, sitting in your unused bowling alley within your mansion, tapping away still at this game, your thumbs raw, smearing blood against the cracked screen and lacerating your thumbs with splinters of glass, millions invested into an empty endeavour that took over your entire life, when the pastor finally walks in and begs for restitution, willing to denounce his faith, unaware that you have already taken everything from him, and yet somehow intend to take more. Good luck and happy gaming!

Did this strategy work out for you? Leave YOUR tips for quick wealth generation in the comments.

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