Blizzard Celebrates Successful Launch Of New, Non Hong-Kong Related Controversy

Blizzard Entertainment President J. Allen Brack has today called the buggy, messy, disappointing launch of Warcraft 3 Reforged a “total success”, thanking all staff for their assistance in moving the spotlight away from the company’s abject failure to stand up for democracy in Hong Kong.

In a company-wide email seen by Point & Clickbait, Brack thanked his team for the difficult task of “deliberately releasing a game without any polish or optimisation” and claimed that the resulting controversy “really gave our critics something (else) to talk about, haha.”

“I just launched this thing and the UI alone is eating up like two cores of my CPU lmao,” Brack continued. “And the match chat and the integration just… I mean it just doesn’t work! It does NOT work. Astonishing.”

“I just want to find whoever did this and give them a big kiss, and then fire them if it turns out that they were one of those employees who dared to waver even slightly in their loyalty during the whole Hong Kong thing. If that was you, I will find you.”

Brack, who took over from Mike Morhaime II in 2018, explained that he was hopeful that one of the Warcraft 3 Reforged mapmakers would “invent another new esports title somehow” so that the company could keep talking about things that aren’t “deeply upsetting and uncomfortable for me personally as a rich white man”.

“I also really want to thank whoever it was that decided the cutscenes needed to be worse than they were in the 2018 E3 demo and that we should just delete all of the existing WC3 support like ladders and shit,” Brack added. “Holy shit. Genius move. When I think about that I can barely remember the name of whatever that guy is who we banned for saying the thing about Hong Kong or whatever.”

“Also just to keep you all quickly updated on the Hong Kong thing: if you ask about it again I will fire you.”

When reached for comment, Brack ignored our questions, but vaguely alluded to the possibility of Starcraft: Ghost being back in development.

How awesome would Blizzard be if they resurrected Starcraft: Ghost? Talk about literally anything other than the Hong Kong protests in the comments! 

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