Blizzard Expels Pro-Hong Kong Hearthstone Player: “Standing Up For Justice Is Only In Our Stories”
Blizzard Entertainment, the iconic game developer most known for creating 386 different characters (encompassing three archetypes) who all believe in and stand as the embodiment of justice and heroism, has today heroically expelled a Hong Kong Hearthstone player for speaking out against the unbelievably obvious corruption and oppression happening in Hong Kong.
Hearthstone player blitzchung astounded Blizzard staff by calling for democracy in Hong Kong and liberation from Chinese fascism, an attitude that momentarily stunned his handlers who thought perhaps he had “accidentally started cosplaying as a hero”, sending the internal PR team scrambling to find and erase any existing lore that may have inspired this insubordination.
The company has since demonstrated great commitment to the ideals of freedom and courage that it espouses by unceremoniously stripping blitzchung of all of his winnings and banning him for a year, for his callous disregard for any government officials who might be offended at the hint of dissidence.
“While we encourage our players and fans to cosplay as our great selection of heroes, we simply cannot encourage them to, you know, actually take any of that stuff on board,” explained Blizzard President J. Allen Brack. “If there’s one thing in our games that does need nerfing, it’s independent demands for decency.”
“Even our most iconic character, Stubblesword Stormjustice, would agree that a prominent public moment when everybody is watching is absolutely the wrong time to do the right thing,” Brack concluded, looking awkwardly at his hands and trailing off into silence.
The company has promised that any fans who are “distressed” by hearing blitzchung’s comments can contact its support line and get a free mouse pad, featuring a new stylised “Truth And Honour As Long As It’s Fictional And Doesn’t Impact Our Investors” design.
Blizzard’s next title, a heroic adventure where players stand up for freedom and justice and fight back against an oppressive empire, is set to debut at Blizzcon this year, and has been pre-approved for several game of the year awards.