Diversity Win! Rockstar Confirms The Sex Worker You Murdered In GTA 3 Was Bisexual
Here’s a feel-good story for anyone whose sexuality is marginalised within the media! It turns out that the sex worker you viciously murdered back in 2001’s Grand Theft Auto III — the one who you paid for sex and then killed to reclaim the small sum of money she received in return — was bisexual.
“When we could no longer avoid the fact that queer women are victims of violence at an even higher rate than straight women, who are already victims of assault in numbers that are horrifying and inexcusable, well, we knew that our marketing team had dropped the ball,” said Larence Smolk, Rockstar’s new Head of Diversity Win!s. “But retrospectively adding diversity is a tough issue. We reached out to the firm that advised JK Rowling on maintaining Harry Potter’s legacy, and they gave us a lot to think about.”
The firm of J., K., And Rowling suggested that there was an easier path than the “tiresome and overdone approach” of focusing on representation within their studio, centering employees outside of the white cis men that have traditionally written and produced their output, and ensuring that future titles better represented the spectrum of sexuality. “They quite correctly pointed out that that would be a lot of work,” Smolk said, adjusting his “Woke Bae” pin.
After some internal debate that we understand lasted “10, or maybe even 15 minutes”, the team settled on a solution that has us cheering and replying to the Facebook posts of our similarly straight friends with rainbow emoji. Rockstar’s famous sex worker character, internally referred to as “Nameless_Whore_001,” has been declared bisexual. Iconic!
To celebrate this major win for diversity, the character has been added to GTA Online, and you can now buy the skin for $15 USD. 3% of all profits from sales of the new character will go to, in Rockstar’s words, “some charity.” The new character has thus far proven unpopular, however, as the game’s population tends to swarm anyone using it and beat them to death with a baseball bat.
“We’re proud to say that Grand Theft Auto III finally represents the LBGT community,” Smolk said, before stopping as another employee whispered something in his ear. “That is to say, we’ve long been proud of the fact that Grand Theft Auto III has always represented the LGBT community.”
We approached the firm of J., K., and Rowling for comment, and after a mysterious figure in a hood tried to escape by hurling a smoke bomb and yelling “Expecto Disappearum,” we got the following statement: “It was just very important to us that the game did not have transgender representation.” The hooded figure then left to, as we understand it, go fuck themselves.