Man Just Wants To Play Violent Military Shooter About Global Conflict Without Critics “Bringing Politics Into It”

Gamer Caleb Pearson, 23, has today expressed his mounting dissatisfaction with the level of critical analysis being applied to video games by suggesting that people should just “keep politics out of it”.

Pearson was enjoying a quiet game of Battlefield — where players form into teams representing global military powers and fight for land and resources using advanced weaponry and vehicles created by multi-billion dollar global mega-corporations — when he spoke to us, and explained that these “so-called critics” were “looking for stuff that just isn’t there”.

“Where is the politics in a game like this?” asked Pearson, gesticulating wildly at the screen as he gunned down a Chinese soldier and snatched his dog tags. “What’s ‘political‘ about that?”

Pearson later rage-quit the game and went to relax on his couch in front of Grand Theft Auto, where he drove around taking part in violent, racially-motivated gang warefare and ran over some prostitutes in an extremely non-political manner.

“I just want to enjoy my game, you know?” lamented Pearson. “When some with a ‘gender studies degree’ comes up to me and says ‘wow, this game really hates women,’ it’s like… it’s just a game, bitch!”

“Can’t they understand that? How fucking hard is that to figure out? Not everything has to be analysed. If Grand Theft Auto gives me a quest that rewards me for killing feminists, well, it’s like, whatever, right? Stop over-thinking it.”

Up next on Pearson’s play list is Assassin’s Creed Syndicate, a game where two trained killers overthrow state infrastructure and assassinate rich capitalists, installing their own operations to maximise personal profits.

Pearson says he “can’t wait to see what those over-sensitive hipsters think of this one”!

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