Ubisoft Cancels Planned Sequel To Horrific Floating Eyeball Teeth Man
Assassin’s Creed fans were devastated today by the news that Ubisoft will not be releasing a follow-up to their smash-hit Horrific Floating Eyeball Teeth Man.
Confirming the rumours that there would be no Assassin’s Creed game in 2016, Ubisoft instead suggested that they would be deploying an exciting new strategy: finishing the game before releasing it.
“We know that our fans loved Horrific Floating Eyeball Teeth Man and his partner, Woman With Hair That Writhed Around The Room Like A Snake,” said Ubisoft CEO Yves Guillemot in an exclusive interview with Point & Clickbait — the only gaming outlet that the company will speak to, following their messy breakup with Kotaku.
“We loved them, too. What a pair. But we’re taking a drastic step here, something we’ve never tried before: not mindlessly shitting out content at a brutal, inhumanly demanding schedule.”
Guillemot explained to Point & Clickbait that the idea to delay the game and make it better had come upon him quite by chance.
“The other day, while looking for insects to eat, I was briefly separated from my minders, and I wandered into a part of the building I’d never seen before. The door said ‘Quality Assurance’. Quite extraordinary.”
“I spoke to the nice men and women there and they told me that if we just waited a bit longer before shipping the game, we could probably make the stabby-man stop getting caught on windowsills and ledges and things, and reduce the chance of his skin disappearing to reveal the Lovecraftian horror beneath.”
“Like I said, quite extraordinary. Good ideas really do come from the strangest of places. I don’t know why it’s taken us this long to hire these ‘QA’ people but I think they might be onto something.”
Ubisoft’s design team, Data & Data Market Research Inc., are thrilled about the possibility of more time to work on their game.
“With another year to conduct focus testing, we’re confident that the 2016 edition of Assassin’s Creed will be… open-world? Do you still like open world?” claimed one excited Engagement Committee Consultant.
“How do you feel about outposts, or towers, where climbing them or capturing them unlocks areas of the map?”
“Thinking of a number between 1 and 10, where 1 is ‘Strongly Disapprove’ and 10 is ‘Strongly Approve’, how do you feel about the inclusion of collectible elements scattered around the world map?”