Battlefield 1 Doubles Down On Realism: Female Soldiers Out, Dysentery In
Millions of gamers are marking November in their calendars, eagerly looking forward to squatting over a hastily-dug latrine trench and shitting blood violently until they pass out and die.
The newly-announced feature comes as Electronic Arts responds to criticism over the lack of inclusion of female soldiers in Battlefield 1, arguing that the presence of women would detract from what was intended to be a highly-realistic World War 1 simulator.
Female gamers everywhere have been mollified by the news, agreeing that it’s the best outcome for everyone concerned.
“At first I was just amazed that a company would honestly try to use this kind of weak-ass defence in the year 2016,” explained gamer Jody McCormick.
“But after seeing the complex simulations that determine the likelihood of your (male) soldier catching horrific diseases and dying, I understand that sometimes sacrifices have to be made in the name of realism.”
Shitting yourself to death is just part of a whole new raft of hyper-realistic features that will be included in Battlefield 1. An EA spokesperson explained that other consequences such as typhoid, malaria and amputations due to trench foot were “practically unavoidable”.
“We’re also pleased to announce that the single-player campaign will contain an unprecedented 257 hours of gameplay, 247 of which will be monotonous trench warfare with no end, no hope, and no food,” they continued. “As every hour passes there is a cumulative chance of your character being killed by artillery, starvation or friendly fire.”
“This kind of extreme realism is only possible because we diverted funds away from the female modelling department. It’s a decision we’re extremely happy with, and we believe that gamers will be as well.”