Dating Advice: How To Land A Man In A Trump’s America

Modern dating can be tough. Between building a career, increasingly busy schedules and trying to juggle family and social commitments, it can be difficult to find someone to really grab you by that pussy.

Some women haven’t ever been grabbed by the pussy. Worse still, they’re not sure how to make it happen.

Don’t worry — we’re here to help!

Here are a few tips to get your pussy grabbed, so you can feel validated as a sexually attractive female in the world of President-Elect Donald Trump.

Be a young and beautiful piece of arse

This is the most important step. If you’re neither of these things, you’re just not trying enough. You really have to want it. Have you considered reversing your age somehow?

Be both thin and voluptuous

In Trump’s America, you can absolutely achieve this contradictory level of hotness. It’s all about motivation — try joining a gym and eating less, but also more.

Of course, there is a danger of losing weight from your most valuable assets. It’s hard to be a perfect 10 with a flat chest, so if you lose too much weight it may be time to consider implants (and remember, D-cups and above are fully covered under TrumpCare!).

Be as needy as possible

A real lady needs to get her pussy grabbed by a powerful man. After all, the smartest women are the ones who pretend not to be. You don’t want to scare men away with your book smarts and independence, do you? Deep down, we all want to be rescued.

Try practicing coy smiles in the mirror and training yourself so that whenever you feel an opinion coming on, you giggle instead.

Don’t be too successful

Women are too successful can become boring. This may be because we start discussing dull, man-repelling topics such as our goals and achievements. Alternatively, the thrill may simply dissipate when the perception of a woman changes from a pussy waiting to be grabbed, to a human being with thoughts and feelings.

Either way, it’s dangerous territory for a woman. If you’re reaching for that glass ceiling, perhaps consider simply cleaning it instead.

Don’t breastfeed in public

Listen up, mothers. If you ever want to be considered as a viable sexual option again in Trump’s America, you better put those breasts away! Unless you’re at the beach. Or a club. Or a beauty pageant.

Your infant may be hungry and screaming, but stay strong and think of the cost. Do you really want to shatter a potential pussy-grabber’s perception of your fun-bags over something as trivial as sustenance?

Be deeply troubled

Some prolific pussy-grabbers believe that deeply troubled women are the best in bed.

This is a great opportunity for entrepreneurial women with emotional or psychological issues who find themselves questioning their value as a person.

Why engage in all that boring self-care when you can turn your deep-seated problems into a sexual commodity?

Join the army

As of 2013 there were 26,000 unreported sexual assaults in the US military, with only 238 convictions.

President-Elect Donald Trump knows that this is just the natural result of placing women in a male dominated industry — the poor boys just can’t help themselves.

This could be a real opportunity for you, particularly if you’ve been looking at a career change. A pussy-grab in the army is completely different to a pussy-grab in the office.

Sign that prenup

You landed yourself a feller who is willing to grab your pussy more than once? Congratulations! Don’t get complacent though — you don’t want to mess this up with silly notions of love and morality.

You can’t really blame a guy if he kicks you to the curb for taking issue with planning for a divorce before you’re even married. You’re better off just going along with whatever he wants, and taking what you can get. You’re lucky he was willing to grab that pussy in the first place!

If you’re really set on dodging the prenup, manipulation is the key. Ham up the helplessness — cry, sob, and convince him of your eternal devotion. If he falls for it, the sucker doesn’t deserve his money anyway. Only true entrepreneurs can succeed in Trump’s America.