I’m Sliding Feet-First Into A Woodchipper. The Woodchipper Has The Star Wars Logo On It. Here’s Why That’s A Good Thing
Several muscular Disney employees have broken into my house, sedated me with a powerful tranquiliser, and are now sliding me feet-first into a Star Wars-brand woodchipper. Within a matter of minutes I will be painfully murdered, shredded into an unrecognisable pulp.
This is a good thing, actually.
You see, I’ve always been a nerd. When other kids were playing football or baseball or bludgeoning each other with bones torn from the grasping jaws of feral hounds, I was indoors pursuing my true love: hobbies.
So when I saw that Target had a Star Wars-brand woodchipper on sale, I knew it was meant for me.
Would my friends laugh at me? Of course. Nerds have been the butt of society’s jokes for years — why should I be any different? I’m not afraid to publicly declare my love for Star Wars, and if that means a few irritated glances as I clumsily haul the woodchipper onto the bus then so be it.
Some might say that I should have read the fine print on the back of the receipt, the tiny writing that authorises Disney executives to “feast on the nutrient-rich pulp” that I will become. I can see how you might think that. It’s a typical knee-jerk reaction that I’ve come to expect from people who love to pass judgement on others.
But when those burly, black-clad employees kicked my door down and fired their tranquiliser darts into my neck, I realised something: this is who I am. I’ve embraced that now. By daring to be true to myself and to allow these people to feed me, screaming, into the woodchipper… I’ve truly become free.
You might laugh at me if you want. You can bully me and make fun of my choices if it makes you feel better. But you can never take that freedom away.
And when the Disney CEO knocks back a protein shake thick with my blood and plasma, carefully separated from the scarlet gruel that his employees collected at the bottom of the woodchipper — everyone will see there’s only one real Star Wars fan around here. And he’s laughing… at you.