Chaos In Middle-Earth As Orcs Unionise Against “Harsh, Violent” Talion

The ranger Talion is struggling to control his growing army today, with observers reporting that orcs, goblins and trolls of all kinds have walked off the job and are refusing to return until their demands are met.

One orc leader, calling themselves Smashgog The Class Conscious, explained to Point & Clickbait that many warriors and support staff were worried about pay and conditions in Talion’s fledgeling resistance force.

“No job security here. You spend years working your way up to chief and then Talion come along and rip off your head and feed it to worgs. Very bad,” explained Smashgog.

“Orcs form consultative committee, go to Talion with concerns. Talion kill all of them and then replace them with scab orcs he found in loot boxes! This workplace worse than when Crushnor the Literal Dictator was running it, and him have terrible management style.”

The Union of Orc Warriors (UOW) has released figures showing the average lifespan of an orc has gone down since Talion took over, something they attribute partly to “him being bad at strategy” and also “him being real good with sword”.

Talion has denied any allegations of wrongdoing, suggesting that his workplace negotiation practices are “strictly in line with Mordor industrial relations law”, and that any orcs claiming to have been “dominated by the ghost of an ancient elf” are simply “enthusiastic”.

“My message to the orcs on the picket line is simple: I will literally kill all of you and use the experience harvested from your corpses to become even more powerful,” Talion explained. “That’s my bargain. I hope we can come to terms.”

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