Panic Spreads As Fortnite Goes Entire Hour Without Major Update
Mass hysteria has broken out in Twitch chats and Discord channels around the world today as Fortnite went a full hour without a major update. For 65 agonising minutes, no new weapons, features, modes, skins or patches were introduced, leaving many players despondent and fearful.
Fortnite streamer Milson ‘BL0wb4ck’ Chuggers, known for his catchphrase “a new skin erry minute,” was already broadcasting his complaints only 40 minutes after the developers added their most recent item, a new skin that allowed players to don a nightcap and pyjamas.
“The ‘pyjama llama’ suit is basically a thousand years old now,” Chuggers spat at his audience. “I don’t understand how they expect to keep gamers engaged when standards start to slip like this.” By the hour mark Chuggers had become catatonic, and has not returned to stream since.
Thankfully, at the 66th minute a new emote was added, allowing players to weep and beg for a break.
Epic Games spokesperson Simon Simmons livestreamed an apology from inside the studio, during which the wailing and gnashing of teeth from their bedraggled and exhausted employees could be heard in the background.
“We regret that players were made to spend a full hour in our free game without getting, like, a new gun that makes a sound like popping popcorn or some shit when you fire it,” he said. “We promise that our team will be working around the clock, day and night, to make the Poppinoff Cannon and many other exciting trinkets a reality.”
Fifteen minutes later, a new mechanic was added to the game. Players can now acquire and blow an airhorn that will send an ear-piercing screech through the headset of a randomly selected Epic Games employee, who must personally congratulate the player or risk being fired.