Climate Change May Reduce Pokemon Back To Original 151, Scientists Warn
A new report released today by a group of important-looking scientists warns that Pokemon numbers – specifically numbers #152 onwards – may be under serious threat if global temperatures continue to rise.
The report exhaustively combines a series of environmental studies, battle data, camera photos taken by a young man named Todd from an on-rails motorised amphibious buggy, and opening dozens of different packets of trading cards to create the most comprehensive picture yet of how these beloved creatures will suffer due to our mismanagement of the planet.
Chief scientist Johanna Ferguson explained in a statement that as the climate crisis continues to go unchecked, the newer and more “tenuous” Pokemon may be unable to survive.
“The big names like Charizard, Bulbasaur, Onix… they are well established, they have strong breeding herds now,” Ferguson told Point & Clickbait. “We don’t see an issue with, for example, the humble Krabby struggling with rising sea levels.”
“Cubone as well, now he’s going to have a lot of new skulls to wear once this is all said and done. Things are looking good for him.”
“Now on the other end of the spectrum, we’ve got, fucking… what is the name of that one that is literally just a pile of garbage? Trubbish? That guy is fucking dead,” she continued. “And that Pokemon that is just an ice cream? Absolutely fucked. We should shoot them all now. It would be a mercy killing.”
“An ice cream. Unbelievable.”
Like all climate change related news, what should have been an absolutely horrifying announcement that spurred everyone into immediate action was greeted with resignation and ambivalence, as many players admitted that they couldn’t remember any of the Pokemon after “about 200 or so, I guess.”