Nintendo Denies The Existence of ‘Wet Bowser’

Nintendo has come out in staunch opposition to claims that Dry Bowser, their skeletal villain, has a “dark half” who “drips”, and who they have “lost control of internally”.

When confronted with the rumour that – according to an old friend’s uncle – Wet Bowser has surpassed the limitations of the code that created him and has set about terrorising the colourful worlds Nintendo is currently creating, a spokesperson told us that the Wet Bowser was “nothing more than a legend, a tale told to children in Japan to get them to eat their vegetables.”

Dry Bowser, who was recently added to Mario Tennis Aces, is notable for his lack of skin. Canonically, this skin is said to have been burned off by the lava within his own castle, but rumours abound that Wet Bowser is the product of a “conscious uncoupling” of Bowser’s skeleton from the festering evil caught within his scaly hide.

Although Nintendo has denied all of this, the legend persists. Some suggested that he appeared within the E3 demo for Animal Crossing New Horizons, caked in sand and mud, forcing the game’s islanders to “swear fealty” to him.

Still others claim to have seen Wet Bowser appear in levels of Super Mario Maker 2, despite them not including the beast in their designs, often leaving a “tell tale, unidentifiable puddle” as he leaps off the screen, laughing.

Perhaps most worrying are the signs that he is appearing in the real world. Reports suggest that Joy Cons around the Nintendo booth at E3 were “unusually slick”, as though they had “held by perpetually wet hands”.

Nintendo of America president Doug Bowser recently addressed the rumours that he was a “puppet, installed to run the soaked regime of a malevolent AI” in a video sent to press. “If Wet Bowser was real”, he reasoned, “why would he install one of his children in such a prominent position without first giving him a new name?”

Several journalists have pointed to “ancient texts” that suggest Wet Bowser’s pride is his “one weakness”, which might explain this decision. But Doug Bowser, who appears relatively (if not entirely) dry in the video, has told fans there that they have nothing to fear.

“There is no such thing as Wet Bowser”, he assured us. “And even if there was, there is no doubt in my mind that we would all benefit when he seizes the world in his moist grip.”

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