Five Characters We Hope and Pray Appear in Super Smash Bros 5
Ever since Smash Bros was announced for Switch, fans have been frothing for a character list. We’ve taken to the streets, torn our clothes from our bodies and screamed for answers, begging an indifferent world to free us from the torture of not knowing. While we wait for Nintendo to end this exquisite pain, we’ve rounded up five characters we desperately hope will make an appearance.
As the leader of the McDonald’s gang, Ronald is an obvious choice for Smash Bros. He’s already proven himself as a solid fighter, and his signature catchphrase, ‘would you like FRIES with that?’, would make an excellent victory chant. It’s common sense that Ronald will appear in Smash Bros. at some point – honestly, we’re amazed that it has taken this long.
Grimace is the embodiment of a milkshake – or so McDonald’s lore would have us believe – and we’d love to see him slosh onto the battlefield, ingesting the other fighters into his gaping maw and freezing them inside his enormous stomach. His side + B attack, where he vomits freezing sludge onto enemies and yells ‘would you like FRIES with that?’, would be – wait for it – ice cold.
The Hamburglar is a tragic figure, his entire identity built around thievery, his only friends forever cautious of his propensity for stealing the hamburgers they have dedicated their lives to crafting. Because of this, he’s a natural fit in the Smash Bros line-up. His ability to hold down his opponents and take away everything they hold dear, sarcastically asking ‘would you like some FRIES with that?’ as he relieves them of their keys, credit cards and internal organs, would make him a great all-rounder.
Birdie, who is a pilot or something (but is probably better known for asking ‘would you like FRIES with that?’), could bring a unique move set to the world of Smash Bros. Her ability to pull apart her own flesh, batter and fry it, and then hurl up to twenty pieces of herself at a time towards the other fighters would make for an interesting twist on Captain Olimar’s attack style.
Honestly, it’s ridiculous and offensive that Mayor McCheese has been left off the roster until now. It’s an appalling indictment on this garbage world that the cultural significance of McDonald’s is not represented in Smash Bros, and I, for one, am sick of it. Mayor McCheese – who served the entire world a smile, and then asked ‘would you like FRIES with that?’ – deserves not only a place in this game, but first-billing, and I will stop at nothing to see Mario and pals crushed beneath his mighty bootheel.