Nice! The Witcher Netflix Series Will Include The Scene Where Geralt Fucks A Tree

If you were worried that the upcoming Witcher series on Netflix might be unfaithful to the games it is based on, worry no more! During a recent San Diego Comic-Con panel, showrunner Lauren S. Hissrich revealed that they are taking special care to include the scene from The Witcher (2007) where Geralt of Rivia fucks a tree.

The scene in question, which occurs as part of the “Lost Lamb” quest, gives Geralt the opportunity to coax an extremely horny green dryad with enormous bazongas out of a tree in a swamp where she lives, convince her that the act of sex is pleasurable, and then hella do it to her. According to Hissrich, this is a “pivotal moment” in the first act, and one that is “absolutely essential to the deep lore of the titular Witcher’s fuck history.”.

“Of course we included that scene, you know, we had to include that scene,” Hissrich told a packed and sweaty hall at SDCC. “It’s scenes like that which really speak to the character of Geralt, the unbelievably horny fuckmutant we all know and love. This was the very first thing I pitched to Netflix in our original meeting. ‘He must fuck the tree’, I said. ‘He must fuck it vigourously’.”

“In fact, not only did we include that scene, we really dialled it up to 11,” added Henry Cavill, who plays the unstoppable fuckstallion himself. “The production team wanted to green screen it and add a lot of the stuff in post, but I knew that the fans wouldn’t be satisfied unless they actually got to watch me pound away on that wooden green ass.”

To prepare for the scene, Cavill told an increasingly horrified audience that he went on a ten-day “fucking retreat” in the forest where he left his phone behind, left his clothes in his car, and “really got back to nature”.

“I fucked a tree,” he told the crowd, growing stone-faced when no one else shared his laugh. “I fucked a tree,” he repeated again, as the room fell silent.

“We also wanted to be sure that viewers were left in no doubt as to who Geralt has fucked,” Hissrich added hastily. “So we will be taking advantage of Netflix’s online functionality to add the iconic ‘romance cards’ which show up every time he does a big huge sex to a woman, or a tree that looks like a woman, or really whoever is available.”

“Henry has recorded some really excellent voice lines for Geralt’s orgasmic screaming, some real method actor stuff,” Hissrich continued. “We didn’t even ask him to do them. You’re going to love it.”

“I fucked a tree”, Cavill repeated, standing up, now clearly distressed. “I did it. I fucked a tree in real life. I did it for Netflix’s The Witcher.” After receiving polite, apologetic applause from the crowd, Cavill sat down and was silent for the remainder of the panel.

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