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Five Signs Your PlayStation 4 Wants You To Kiss It

by James O'Connor · July 24, 2019

Hey gamers! You might be a master of all the hottest new videogames, like Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night or Sine Mora Ex, but just because you can press buttons well doesn’t always mean you know when you’re pressing someone ELSE’S buttons! It can be hard to pick up on even the most obvious signs that your PlayStation 4 is into you when you’re too focused on the heart-rending tale of the planet Seol, or the non-linear story of how the Enkie race, subjugated by the Layil Empire, wages an eternal war against their foes by manipulating time itself! If you’re too busy unpacking the motivations behind Ronotra Koss’ cruel crusade, you might not even pick up on the fact that your PlayStation 4 is longing for you to pucker up and plant your lips all over its disc drive. Here are our five signs to look out for if you’re looking to smooch that ‘station!

1. It starts spitting discs out

This is a clear first sign that your PS4 is thinking about your kiss. The system will return discs to you, no matter how many times you slide them back in, for one reason only – it wants a drive full of tongue from player one! A disc-filled PlayStation is much harder to kiss, and your machine wants to avoid an embarrassing incident where it ejects a disc right into your mouth. Be careful not to rush things, though – in the Pro model, a spat disc can often just be a beginning flirter’s gambit, meant to test the waters.

2. PlayStation Plus auto-renews unexpectedly

You don’t remember enabling auto-renewal on PlayStation Plus, but it went through anyway, and now you don’t need to spend $29.95 to enjoy Spud Gus Makes A Fuss. Sure, it can be a little annoying – perhaps unethical, even – to bury the mechanics of an annual subscription that your system knows you’re going to forget about. But think of it not as a commitment you’re making to your system, but a system your machine is making to you. You might think it’s asking you to turn it on once a month, but really, it’s telling you that it’s always turned on.

3. The system overheats after long sessions

Isn’t it just so cute when your machine gets flustered? An overheating machine is the clearest sign possible that your PS4 is P-S-horn(y). Don’t go too far at first – your machine is going to need its vent clear to cool down a bit, especially if you’re a good console kisser. Be gentle – your machine has wanted this for a long time, and you want it to be a good experience for them.

4. All your friends have abandoned you

Think about it this way – if you’re bringing up the idea that your PlayStation 4 wants you to kiss it with your friends so often that they can no longer tolerate the person you’ve become, and one by one they stop answering the phone when you call late at night, begging for advice on how to make the first move, then you must be right. This level of focus and certainty simply cannot be misguided. Your PlayStation 4 longs for you. It aches for your kiss. It’s time. Do it.