Huge Value! Ubisoft Reveals UPLAY+ Subscription Will Drive A Truck To Your House And Dump Five Tons Of Assassin’s Creed Discs In Your Garden

Ubisoft announced their new UPLAY+ subscription model on stage at E3 2019, promising “an unprecedented amount of content” – and they’ve delivered! The company today revealed that anyone who takes out a subscription to UPLAY+ will wake up one morning to find their house “buried under thousands upon thousands of spare Assassin’s Creed game discs”.

Coming in at just $14.95 a month, each UPLAY+ subscription will include game discs from beloved titles like Assassin’s Creed, Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood and Assassin’s Creed Chronicles, as well as lesser-known games like Assassin’s Creed II, Assassin’s Creed III and Assassin’s Creed Odyssey – all conveniently piled into an enormous, towering heap and dumped carelessly out the front of your house for you to sort through at your convenience.

The good news is that this gargantuan pile of game discs will be yours to keep even if you decide to cancel your subscription. With that kind of generosity, you’ll be digging discs out of your carpet, your gutters and your pantry for years to come!

If you do decide to keep your subscription, however, there’s great news: a special Ubisoft truck will return every month to tip another ton of discs directly onto your house. The company promises that each new truckload of clattering shiny discs will “roll everywhere, blocking traffic, crushing small animals and poisoning the groundwater for future generations”. What a way to grow your collection! Unfortunately, the game manuals have been removed for the sake of protecting the environment, but it’s hard to be mad when the deal is this good.

“This will pave the way for future titles in the Assassin’s Creed universe”, Ubisoft spokesperson Walder Flax announced. “We want players so immersed that they’ve not only played every game, experienced every journey from Altair from Kassandra – we want them to suspect that they are inhaling the dust of the shattered discs that now litter their homes, their very lungs coated in a layer of franchise investment.”

Subscribers will also be eligible for a 15% discount on Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag. Wow!

This new offering from Ubisoft will really put the pressure on competitors like EA, whose own subscription-based offering is not yet responsible for drowning a single subscriber beneath a crushing load of excess game discs, and has left no one desperately clawing their way to the surface, struggling for air, or dealing with council sanctions as the value of homes on their street plummets. Disappointing! Hopefully we see something more from Andrew Wilson soon.

With so many titles to choose from, and so many copies of each title to also choose from, Ubisoft says that the UPLAY+ subscription will “more than likely entomb players alive and cause them to starve to death in their own homes,” and also “not to print that”. But what do you think? Sound off in the comments below.

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