Wow: This Guy’s Milquetoast Tweets Ended The ‘Games Cause Violence’ Debate
Local man Sack Swinders has reason to celebrate tonight, as his unbelievably pedestrian tweets about gun violence in games have not only definitively ended all debates about the potential harmful effects of gaming, but have also led to sweeping gun control reforms across America.
Swinders, who took to Twitter on Sunday morning to tweet ‘it’s bullshit when people say violence in games makes people violent….I’ve played a lot of Mario, but I’ve never jumped on a turtle?,’ effectively and accidentally brought a close to the long-running debate – finally and definitively proving that there is no link between games and violence, and that the military-entertainment complex is blameless in American gun fetishisation.
“I knew exactly what I was doing,” Swinders told Point & Clickbait, admiring the tweet’s seven retweets. “I knew that this would be the one. Within an hour, even Fox News was calling for a ban on semiautomatic weapons – but NOT in games.”
Due to popular demand, Swinders followed his tweet up with a further denouement that was equal parts bland and devastating: “hmmm, another school shooting….and once again we’re going to blame games. The real bad guy? Guns.” Within six minutes of the tweet being sent – enough time for the first of an eventual three retweets to roll in – new laws had been passed, demanding the dismantling of all privately-owned guns within the country. Simultaneously and unrelatedly, two new Call of Duty games were announced.
To Swinders, this is all simply common sense. “The thing the politicians were failing to realise was that games were not at fault here,” he said, earnestly. “They blamed games in entirely good faith, because that’s what they honestly believed – that the shooters were gamers. But I knew better, and once I made it clear, quite logically I might add, that games weren’t at fault, everyone immediately moved onto gun reform.”
Swinders, who screenshotted both tweets and uploaded them to Facebook – which ultimately kicked off a system whereby bullets could be traded in for new copies of the freshly-announced Call of Duty: Respect the Troops, despite garnering no likes from his 863 friends – is simply glad to have definitively proven that games are, in fact, good.
“That’s really all I cared about. I love games, because I think they’re fun, sometimes,” he noted as he absent-mindedly pre-ordered a copy of Call of Duty: Respect the Troops “Nothing is more important than that.”
“In truth, though, I actually jump on turtles all the time,” he admitted. “I jumped on three just this morning. I hate them. Fuck turtles.”