Five Passages From The Necronomicon That Only True Gamers Will Understand
Think you’re a true gamer? You may have finished “Dark Souls” on expert, but you haven’t confronted the real “darkness of the souls” until you’ve cracked open the leathered pages of the ancient Necronomicon and cast your eyes upon its terrible and hideous truths about the horrors that lurk just beyond the veil of reality, the ones that you have glimpsed on your periphery but refused to directly confront until now. Send this to your gamer mates and see how many passages they’ve heard of!
1. The Weeping Trials Of The Black Queen
The compelling descent into madness of the Black Queen is one of the first stories in this abyssal tome, penned at the dawn of time before even the conceptualisation of language – but if you slam down a couple of Mountain Dew Code Reds you’ll be able to S rank this bad boy on your first try.
Only somebody who has been gaming their whole life will be able to really appreciate how the Black Queen’s now inhuman lidless eyes bore into us from her prison at the heart of our sun, as hungry for her own release as we are hungry for the latest releases this holiday season.
2. The Final Day Of The Nameless City
The Black Queen too casual for you? Step it up a level by closing your eyes and allowing the undying guardian of the Necronomicon to move your hands to the pages describing the final days of the Nameless City, that wretched necropolis where the ancient creator race lived their already cursed lives before they were brutally destroyed in a still ongoing tragedy that would echo throughout the aeons.
If you’re a fan of roguelikes, you’ll love the way that the inhabitants of the Nameless City were eviscerated in flame and immediately reborn over and over again, trapped forever in that last agonising moment between life and death, doomed to relive the exquisite pain of that moment stretched across eternity, suffering until the end of time itself as punishment for their hubris. It’s exactly how you feel when the Xbox gets a hot new exclusive, but you’re a PlayStation-only gamer!
3. The Great Unraveling
Every gamer knows what it’s like to deal with a bug or glitch – but what if the ‘glitch’ caused the very fabric of reality to dissolve and fall apart like blood-soaked paper, exposing a horrifying truth beyond that immediately and irrevocably shattered your mind?
That’s exactly the sort of cosmic event that The Great Unraveling unleashed upon the world, and anyone who ever successfully captured the ‘MissingNo’ Pokemon will smile in appreciation as not only numbers, but also concepts, along with whole slices of reality itself, were viscerably annihilated, the conceptual framework that makes up our understanding of reality sloughing away from the anchors of this plane and into somewhere else beyond. If you thought WWE 2K20 was bad, get a load of this!
4. The Pilgrimage Of The Ascendant Wrym
Hey gamer – do you like to “level up”? Well nothing says “levelling up” like “sacrificing 10,000 willing pilgrims into the mouth of the great wrym Bhulaloth so that He may ascend to godhood”, am I right? That’s exactly what this next passage in that most awful and forbidden of codexes teaches us, and it’s a story blessedly free of SJW politics, unless you consider “mass ritual murder” or “the divine slaughter of the innocent” to be political (spoiler warning: we don’t).
Much like a game of solos in Fortnite, the tale of Bhulaloth shows us that there is no room for weakness when it comes to being the last one alive in a scorched and blasted wasteland, raised to the ruined sky on a ziggurat of corpses. Would Bhulaloth have victoriously dabbed if He could, as His hour came at last? We think the answer is yes, king.
5. The Boiling Of The Archaen Sea
From the depths of the sea, a great and ancient beast crawled forth once each cycle, devouring all who were foolish enough to witness its form, and laying its foul eggs in the sand so that its offspring would feast upon those who dared return to those haunted plains. If you’re a gamer you might think we’re talking about annual Call of Duty releases – but we’re actually talking about the unfortunate horror of the time the acidic depths of the Archaen boiled into terrible life and vomited forth a hellish leviathan!
Word of warning though: reading about the creature’s undulating colourless flesh may cause you to have a “heated gamer moment” of sorts where you uncontrollably speak ancient truths instead of racial slurs. Take our advice and mute your mic before you flip to this passage if you don’t think your clan mates are ready to absorb the unspoken truths that govern our broken reality!
Are you now Enlightened to the joy and beauty of the true reality that the Necronomicon has bestowed upon you, or do you need to run through the tutorial again? Let us know your favourite unholy gift in the comments.