Three Under Three 2019: Meet The Toddlers Who Are Really Shitting Up The Games Industry
It’s that time again – time to recognise the best and brightest contributions to our industry from the literally overlooked crowd of toddlers who do so much to bring us the video games we love. This year we’ve selected three incredible under-three year-olds who have been shitting and pissing their way into our hearts. Let’s take a look, cover our eyes up, and then take another look.
Turps Frunsdale (2 years 7 months)
An up-and-coming figure in the world of video game development, Turps burst onto the scene in style this year by stealing his mother’s Nintendo Switch, forcibly jamming it into his diaper, and then unleashing a torrent of weapons-grade diarrhea onto it that was so intense it melted the plastic and started a small chemical fire. Witnesses described the scene as “frightening, but adorable.”
Turps stole our cold gamer hearts when the fire brigade – which arrived as fast as they could in response to the bewildering phone call and the smell of burning shit – was forced to herd Turps out onto the lawn with a broom before blasting him with a fire extinguisher in front of the whole neighbourhood. Turps was reportedly back in high spirits and swallowing Switch cards by the fistful that very night. Adorable!
Speaking to Point & Clickbait, Turps attributed his success to “gnagggggpop” and issued a stern warning to any other would-be young entrepreneurs that he would, if necessary, walk clumsily towards them, slopping his brimful cauldron of rancid sludge in their general direction. More empty threats from the Boy With The Burning Ass? Only 2020 will tell, but one thing’s for sure – Turps is a true gamer.
Grench Burtley (2 years 9 months)
Think you’re hardcore? Grench was admitted to hospital earlier this year, where x-rays revealed that she had somehow swallowed one of the last extant copies of E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial for the Atari 2600.
How did she do it? This little superstar is refusing to talk, saying only that she is “still developing the faculty of speech”. Astonishing. Through a translator that claimed to be Grench’s father/agent, Point & Clickbait understands that Grench has always been a voracious gamer, and also that a rare and antique copy of the game in question may have been left on a table in the same room as the unsupervised pint-size startup. Press ‘A’ to say ‘awwww.’
Although it’s a tough field, we have to give props to Grench for taking the “retro gamer” angle, and especially for managing to prove her gaming cred with a title that was released 35 years before she was born and is likely still coated in detritus from the landfill where it was exhumed. In a perverse inversion of Atari’s business strategy before her, this little tyke is showing that it’s quality, and not quantity, that counts.
Denk Gurglevich (1 year 6 months)
Last but by no means least, unless you are ranking in chronological order, Denk is well on his way to the top of the Twitch ‘most watched’ charts. After crawling through the disorganised warren of cables at the back of his mother’s gaming desk while she was broadcasting and accidentally pulling the entire set up down upon himself, viewers now can’t get enough of “The Baby Who Ruined A Perfect Bloodborne First Hunter Gehrman Run”. Praise the son!
Thanks to the magic of the internet, the anguished and quickly-cut-off scream of Denk’s mother has now been remixed into a bewildering array of new viral videos, TikToks and even a new merchandising deal with Hasbro. Felix ‘PewdiePie’ Kjellberg called Denk’s video “absolutely lol”, and said that he was welcome on his own channel any time, especially if he was willing to learn to say a series of antisemitic phrases on command.
Remember: even if you haven’t achieved the outstanding heights of perfection that Denk has attained, you still won’t be as bad as the sort of adult man who has to google “what is an 18 month-old child capable of doing” before writing a comedy article.
Have you achieved object permanence yet? Try to indicate your understanding of the distinction between your own body and your reflected doppelganger, as well your understanding of the Lacanian mirror stage, in the comments below.