Report: Pokemon Trainer Catches Everything But Happiness

In devastating news out of the Galar region this week, local Pokemon trainer Kernston Brunt has managed to finally catch them all – but remains, at his core, deeply unsatisfied and profoundly empty.

After his Pokeball snapped shut on the last Pokemon missing from his collection – the humble but elusive Duraludon – Brunt let out a whoop of elation, got up from his couch and enjoyed what he called a “victory lap” to the fridge and back, returning empty handed after finding the milk had spoiled six days prior.

Later in the day, however, Brunt reported that even with all 400 Pokemon safely contained in the (presumably) pleasant sphere of nothingness inside their Pokeballs, he couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that he was the one floating in a sphere of nothingness, unable to catch the one thing that has truly eluded him for all these years.

“It’s almost like I’m the one inside the Pokeball,” Brunt said to himself rather insightfully, but regretfully to an entirely empty house. “I wait for external stimuli, I perform on command, and then I’m done. Perhaps the ball is ultimately hollow?”

Brunt, who is famous for hosting lavish parties and then ultimately retiring to his chamber as things take off to try and catch a Machamp in the new Wild Area, blames Game Freak for cutting so many monsters from this latest iteration. “If I still had something left to chase, my ennui would not have a chance to catch up with me,” he sighed.

“Hmm,” he added, the word echoing around the hallways and rooms, bouncing back towards him where he sat on the couch, louder somehow, more hurtful for some reason. “Perhaps I could go play my Switch on the pier and stare out at the green light I see in the distance. Sometimes I reach out for it wistfully. It’s almost like I can hold it in my hand. It wonder what will happen if I ever catch it?”

Asked whether he planned to beat on, like a boat against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past, Brunt asked us if Point & Clickbait was a “real website” and how we had “gotten into the house.”