Animal Crossing New Horizons: Nintendo Announces That Your Village Will Be Destroyed Instantly If You Blink For Just A Second
Think you’ve got what it takes to be a real Animal Crossing fan? Nintendo has revealed that your beautiful, lovely, and above all peaceful village which you worked so hard on and became a multi-millionaire within in the upcoming Animal Crossing New Horizons, will be “instantly obliterated” if the Switch detects you breaking eye contact for even the briefest of seconds.
The new deserted island setting, the hotly-anticipated crafting system, and of course the addition of stairs, have whipped series fans into a state of screaming fervour ever since the game was announced in a 2018 Nintendo Direct broadcast. Now those same fans are suggesting that Nintendo’s “Instant And Irreversible Annihilation” feature might be a “bit much” and are calling on the Japanese entertainment giant to reconsider their position.
An online petition, which has currently attracted more than 300,000 signatures, is begging Nintendo to “holy fuck please don’t do this what the fuck are you thinking”. Nintendo remains defiant, however, with adorable mascot Isabelle claiming in a press release that everyone who signed the petition can “suck my dick”, before reminding us that April 15 is “friendship day,” and that everyone will be gathering in front of town hall to exchange furniture.
“Listen up, fuckwad,” elaborated the talking shih tzu at a hastily arranged and unsolicited press conference on our front doorstep, only minutes after we had signed the petition ourselves, and despite not providing an address. “Get off my fucking case about this. You better make sure you sleep with one eye open you piece of shit. I’ll fucking end you.”
“Don’t fucking test me, you rat fuck,” Isabelle concluded, thoughtfully, offering us a wearable top hat and asking us to attend an opening ceremony for a new bridge.
In what fans are seeing as an acknowledgement of their concerns, Nintendo has since released a list of other actions which will also cause your village to be wiped from the face of the earth and sent to hell to “burn forever”. This apparently “non-exhaustive” list includes actions like “thinking about any other game while playing New Horizons”, “handing out your friend code to anyone”, and, rather ominously, “doing it wrong”.
At the time of writing, Isabelle shoved another letter under our front door to confirm that “the villainous Tom Nook” would continue to demand rent for any and all destroyed towns “in perpetuity”, before adding that we had, “despite being a fucking dipshit”, come second place in a fishing tournament and would be invited to a party on Friday.