Grim-Faced Shigeru Miyamoto Destroys NES Mini Production Line With Ceremonial Hammer
Nintendo director Shigeru Miyamoto has today completed the ceremonial destruction of the NES Mini production line, using the ritual sledgehammer to smash the machinery into shards of useless metal and electronics.
Tears streaming down his noble face, the veteran game designer and creator of iconic titles like Mario, Zelda and Pikmin obliterated the impossibly delicate, irreplaceable components with several mighty swings of the hammer. Members of the media watched in silence as the 64-year old man aggressively stomped on and kicked the remaining pieces, crunching them under his feet.
Miyamoto was moved to act after the final sales figures came in, demonstrating overwhelming demand for the NES Mini. After reviewing the numbers, Nintendo board members agreed they had no choice but to honour the ancient Nintendo motto and immediately destroy whatever was making their players happy.
“Please understand. You forced us to do this,” explained Miyamoto, standing solemn and proud in the wreckage of his life’s work. “We cannot allow the players to simply purchase and enjoy Nintendo products. That is not what Nintendo is about.”
“Without the constant threat of having what we love taken away from us, our happiness is ultimately meaningless.”
As distressed, malnourished-looking pikmin with tiny explosive collars swarmed in to clean up the rubbish, Miyamoto asked members of the press to “think on what you have seen here today”.
At the time of printing, Miyamoto had returned to his office and replaced the ceremonial hammer in its ancient casket, before immediately jumping onto eBay to sell his NES Mini for $1,000.