Phew! Leaked Documents Reveal Next Assassin’s Creed Will Be Set Somewhere That Won’t Confuse White People Too Much
Ubisoft’s stock price has risen today on the back of an internal leak clarifying that all future Assassin’s Creed games will continue to take place in settings which won’t be too challenging for white people who enjoyed 300.
With the announcement of Assassin’s Creed Vanilla, many observers were worried that Ubisoft was going to run out of historical periods that the Anglo-Saxon market could easily understand.
Those fears have been put to rest however, with Ubisoft confirming that the document – which largely just consists of a map of the world where someone has written “???????” over most of it – is authentic.
“It’s true. Assassin’s Creed fans are some of the most dedicated in the world,” said Ubisoft spokesperson Zenst Grendler at a press conference today. “Which is exactly why we don’t want to do anything to rock the boat, such as setting one of our games in, I don’t know, let’s say… Uruguay. Or whatever. Is that a place?”
“Can you imagine it? ‘Assassin’s Creed: Whatever The Fuck Uruguay Does’? Nobody would believe it for a second. Sales would tank, man,” Grendler continued as he high-fived an assistant. “How is Rob from Gamestop supposed to up-sell someone on the collectors edition of, like, the Uruguay flag? Do they even have a flag? What cool stuff can you even do in Uruguay lmao,” he added, pronouncing ‘lmao’ unnecessarily.
(UPDATE: Ubisoft has contacted us with a follow-up comment that the studio “understands that Uruguay probably has a flag”.)
“Our fans also understand and support our commitment to diversity, and it’s important that we live up to their expectations,” Grendler added. “For example, the Assassin’s Creed series now has pirates and vikings. Epic, and, might I add, for the win.”
A senior developer in Ubisoft’s narrative team, who wished to remain anonymous, told Point & Clickbait that it “just made sense” for all the history of the Brotherhood of Assassins to take place in “fully sick settings”.
“There’s no way the precursor race would have stored any ancient artifacts in Sri Lanka, for example, which is a place that I could point to on a map but am currently choosing not to do.”
Meanwhile at enthusiast website Gamechunx the announcement of Assassin’s Creed Vanilla has been met with sales-analytically-compliant excitement by series fan Tudd Bundon.
“Fuck yeah, Odin and Thor and shit,” said Tudd excitedly. “Just like the names on my pre-workout supplements.”