Apple Announces Biggest Ever Lingering Fear That Maybe All Of This Is Meaningless

Apple CEO Tim Cook wowed audiences at the new Apple Campus in California this week, unveiling the company’s bold new vision for an unshakeable feeling that nothing any of us were doing really mattered.

Speaking on stage to an audience of excited tech journalists, and with millions more watching live on the stream, Cook revealed the latest iterations of their flagship products — all of which, he says, come bundled with “groundbreaking new levels of dissatisfaction at the deep emptiness of consumerism”.

“Deeper ennui. More crippling late-night doubt. Distraction-resistant fear. Everything we’re unveiling today is engineered to withstand even the strongest attempt at being fully accepted by the subconscious,” explained Cook.

“What we are doing here today will set the path of existential dread for the next decade. We’ve tested this on our designers, and I don’t say this lightly: they are absolutely ruined.”

Cook claims that a new manufacturing process has finally enabled them to realise their vision for a “more robust emptiness”, and suggested that a combination of rapid iteration and aspirational marketing was the key to magnifying that emptiness from “a moment of self-doubt upon seeing your own reflection” into “deep distrust at the entire relentless system of consumerism”.

Cook paused to sigh heavily and stare into the middle distance, before collecting himself and continuing with the presentation.

Journalists in the audience hastily confirmed Cook’s statements to their audiences, liveblogging that just seeing the latest iterations of Apple’s flagship products had caused a “gnawing uncertainty to settle into the back of my mind, like a splinter”.

Every member of the audience also received an envelope which contained an invitation to the next Apple Event, in precisely 12 months time.