Google Launches New Phrenology Division Following Internal Anti-Diversity Manifesto

Tech giant Google has responded swiftly to a ten-page “anti-diversity” manifesto which went viral inside the company last week, by launching a new division dedicated to the ancient and discredited pseudoscience of phrenology.

Due to their own poor grasp of science and tenuous link to reality, the author of the manifesto has already been tapped to head up the new department, which is tentatively titled “Google Skullshape”.

“By using cutting-edge measurement technology, sophisticated tracking data, and a new ‘callipers’ app on your smartphone, Google Skullshape can accurately map the lumps and bumps on your skull and determine with 98% accuracy whether or not you are a deviant criminal,” reads the press release.

“We anticipate that this will enable us to facilitate the abuse of our technology and our user information by law enforcement at a much improved rate.”

“This manifesto shows that there is a clear demand from some of our more backward-thinking employees for a project suited to their own special understanding of the world,” commented Larry Page, CEO of Google’s parent company, Alphabet.

“As Silicon Valley entrepreneurs, we know what it’s like to be out of touch with reality. That’s why we were so quick to take pity on the author of this frankly deranged manifesto and put him in charge of a project where he can really shine.”

Google anticipates that Skullshape will launch early 2018, although there may be some delay if too many women are involved in the decision-making process.

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