Aging Spartan Supersoldier Carefully Warms Up Failing Knee Joints Before Teabagging Opponent

With the re-release of the Halo: Master Chief Collection, Spartan supersoldiers everywhere are being called back into active service, dusting off their power armour, and working through a series of exercises so they don’t throw their back out as soon as they go for their first teabag.

These previously tireless warriors, who first introduced their balls to their opponents faces in the distant era of 2001, describe themselves now in 2019 as “getting on a bit” and “struggling with the cold days, mostly.”

Veteran supersoldier Brett-09AX told Point & Clickbait that he was still happy to “dangle the boys” when circumstances required, but as he headed into his late 30’s he needed a bit more time to get everything going.

“It’s not that I don’t want to slap my nuts into the dying face of my enemies,” Brett said in a stoic and superhuman fashion. “Of course I want to do that. It’s what all three of us want. It’s just that, you know, I can… well, I can hear my knees crackling each time, and it’s really upsetting, and I tore the left one at football last week, so, you know,” he said, trailing off.

“Anyway, my kids are getting out of daycare in a bit, so I need to take off now,” he concluded, rubbing at his back.

Fortunately for biologically engineered weapons like Brett, all the Spartans on the server have agreed to “take it easy” on each other for the next few matches, calling a truce on teabagging, handing out cold compresses and recommending a local physiotherapist who is quite affordable for somebody with a mortgage.

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