Nintendo Announces HD Remake of That Three Year Period in High School When You Didn’t Want Girls to Find Out That You Played Videogames
Talk about a burst of nostalgia – Nintendo has announced their plans to release an updated version of the weird period in a young boy’s life where he becomes horrified by the idea of showing his true self, and of being known as a nerd, and he avoids ever mentioning games in front of the girls in his class.
The curiously specific press release Nintendo sent us promises that we’ll soon get to relive “the daily nightmare of being an awkward teenager”, with a new fidelity that will “deeply immerse fans in the constant anxiety that they have, until now, managed to tamp down.”
The game will task you with living your life and dealing with the unease that comes from experiencing a fundamental shame about who you are, while also juggling the constant sense that no girl will ever like you if they really get to know you (a feeling, the press release inexplicably clarifies, “which will likely continue on, to some degree, well into adulthood”).
The news of this remake was particularly resonant for one man, Wayne Oliver, who swears that this new release is, in fact, a remake of his exact specific experience from 1999 through to 2002.
“I’ve seen the screenshots. That’s my childhood crush, Wendy Sullivan, in the first image they released”, Oliver told Point & Clickbait in hushed and frantic tones. “It’s her from my perspective, on the schoolyard. I remember that day. I was trying to pretend that I was a big fan of Blink-182’s Enema of the State to impress her.”
In fact, a panicked Oliver told us, every screen and video released from the game so far has corresponded to an exact, specific, painful memory he has, rendered in high definition exactly as it appears in his mind. “The trailer has the moment where Jenny Flick told me that she thought I was ugly”, he told us. “That didn’t even have anything to do with games. It’s just a mean thing for them to include.”
“I never told anyone about any of this”, Oliver told us in a shaken whisper. “Where did they get them from? What has happened to me?”
Oliver fears the game’s release, having just finally, at the age of 33, made some peace with who he is. “The idea of this thing being on the Switch terrifies me”, he said. “I’d just barely gotten used to playing this thing in public without feeling self-conscious. This feels like it could cause me to backslide.”
“I’m strongly thinking about not pre-ordering it.”
That Three Year Period in High School When You Didn’t Want Girls to Find Out That You Played Videogames will release on prom night; it’s not like you’ll be busy that night, after all.