Point & Clickbait Explainer: What Is Esports?
Seems like everybody’s talking about esports lately – what is the IEM? What is the NA LCS? Why is everyone talking about an OWL? Don’t panic! Esports may seem crazy, but it’s actually really easy to understand. Kick back with a Point & Clickbait Explainer and soon you’ll be riding the OWL with the best of them!
Nobody knows what the “e” in “esports” stands for. Not a single person! There are several competing theories, each as bizarre as the next. One school of thought suggests that the term may have been formed by combining the words “egg” and “sports”, while still others believe that “esports” refers to the prophesied “end of sports”. Needless to say, both factions are considerably vocal in their beliefs, and at least a dozen people have been killed or injured in the last year alone following clashes between “eggers” and “enders” at esports events. Serious stuff!
Esports players choose their handle in a special ceremony called “the mashing”. Not unlike the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter, all esports players are required to attend a secret ceremony where they are brought before the Naming Board to learn their future handle. It is said that after mashing their hands into the Naming Board, a player will be rewarded with a handle that perfectly suits them, and can never be changed. While “asoouhf8” or “babqw” might seem unfathomable to “muggles” like you or I, esports players believe these names are part of a greater, as yet unrevealed destiny.
These athletes train under gruelling conditions that would put even the world’s greatest athletes to shame. Esports players spend the night before each match “boxing” themselves, folding their limbs and dislocating their joints in a special way so as to fit entirely inside a hollowed-out PC case. The team coach will then align the case (and player inside) with ley lines of “sports energy” divined by highly trained sports occultists. Come the morning, the players will be fully charged and ready to compete. Astounding!
Esports performance is measured in “APM”. This stands for ‘animals per minute’, and represents the number of animals a player can name in each minute. Some of the world’s best esports players can name seven, eight, or even twelve animals each minute. Phil ‘kljnmn’ Yates from New Jersey wowed spectators at the latest ELEAGUE Major in Boston by naming an incredible 15 animals in a single minute, sending the crowd into a frenzy with his signature ‘sudden zebra’ move.
It’s big business! The best esports player in the world is Wu ‘gevcmnxb’ Kyung-Jae from South Korea, who famously defeated all the other esports players in a massive ‘e-tournament’ last year. For his efforts, Kyung-Jae was given an enormous novelty cheque to the value of $250,000 and crowned the mayor of Seoul. Today, Kyung-Jae has installed a military dictatorship and declared the city off-limits, shooting visitors on sight. It’s just like Hollywood!
Now you’re up to speed on esports! Get out there and join the conversation like the authority you are!