Escapist Relaunch Delayed As Another Employee Caught Smuggling Politics Into Office
The upcoming relaunch of Escapist Magazine has suffered another setback today, after security staff were forced to stop and search an employee on suspicion of carrying politics into the building.
The employee returned a positive result for politics in a subsequent swab, with unacceptably high levels of class consciousness and racial tension appearing on the lab results. A special spray was used to de-politicise their workstation and ensure there was no further contamination.
Escapist editor Russ Pitts has been under fire since announcing his plan to launch the new politics-free website. In a statement to Point & Clickbait, he explained that this latest setback was simply “the price we have to pay to ensure our stringent standards are met”.
“A normal website editor might test their employees and say, ‘oh, one part class consciousness per million in a urine test… that’s acceptable. That’s good enough.’ Well, not here. Not at the fucking Escapist, said Pitts emphatically.
To ensure his vision is realised, Pitts has announced that the relaunched Escapist will be restricting its coverage to one thing, and one thing only: a featureless black void which absorbs all light and sound.
“The major problem with reviewing games is that they are simply too fraught with risk,” Pitts elaborated. “Games speak to the player, they speak to themes, they speak to the human condition… it just means the chances of someone accidentally bringing in some politics are too high.”
“Reviewing the void? We can do that 24/7. The void doesn’t speak to anything or anyone,” concluded Pitts emphatically. “Except to me, in my increasingly frequent dreams.”
Early reviews of the void seem promising, with staff sent in to assess its politics reporting that they are unable to find any themes, interpretations, or the last hour of their memories. The initial results have convinced Pitts that he is on the right track.
“What this shows is that a world of politics-free reviews is possible, if you’re willing to think outside the box a bit, and also think outside the bindings of our flesh,” mumbled a distracted Pitts as he dug at the flesh on the back of his hand.
Pressed for a firm launch date, Pitts could only confirm that “it” would escape “soon”.
This article brought to you by Russ Pitts, who backed the Point & Clickbait ‘Best of 2016’ Kickstarter at the ‘Editor For A Day’ level.