Man Who Would Straight-Up Pre-Order A Literal Sack Of Human Shit With A Blizzard Logo On It Draws Line At Diablo On Mobile

Local man Dan Bridges, who authorities describe as “only one World of Warcaft pet away from committing a felony,” told Point & Clickbait today that he simply could not support the idea of a mobile Diablo game.

“The complicated gameplay of this deep action-RPG simply will be lost on mobile,” said Bridges, who personally has worn out five different mice from clicking through Diablo 1, 2 and 3 on PC, and who purchased the collectors editions of Diablo 3 on Xbox 360, then on PlayStation 4, and just a week ago, on Nintendo Switch.

“I’m drawing a line in the sand here. Is this a joke? Diablo on mobile? They can’t seriously think I’ll spend money on this,” Bridges continued after stopping to readjust his extremely detailed StarCraft cosplay which he was proudly wearing around BlizzCon, which he was attending for the 8th year in a row.

“And to top it off, it looks like they’ve just reskinned an existing mobile game, which I just can’t approve of,” said the man, who left work early in March this year to race home and redeem the code which would allow him to put Overwatch character Widowmaker in StarCraft character Kerrigan’s skin, and who has already pre-ordered Warcraft 3‘s HD remaster.

“I would never – I can never – support such a transparent cash grab,” muttered a clearly struggling Bridges as he purchased 50 Overwatch loot boxes for “a very good discount” while watching a Twitch stream of another player opening Hearthstone card packets.

“In conclusion, I will never touch Diablo on mobile,” concluded Bridges as he pre-registered to play Diablo on mobile so that he could unlock a new mount in Heroes of the Storm.

Blizzard representatives have refused to comment on Bridge’s allegations, only issuing a brief statement to say “that took longer than usual” and “hmmm”.