Six Huge PA Announcements We’re Expecting At E3 2019
E3 is just around the corner – or possibly over a month away, who can say with any real clarity at this point – and we’re already salivating like hungry dogs, slamming our faces up against the computer screen so that the information from all the hot new trailers will take less time to travel to our eyeballs.
But it’s the new announcements that we’re most excited about, of course – the announcements made over the PA system in the Los Angeles Convention Centre, which are useful for informing the assembled press, developers, PR and fans what’s going on. Here are what we think are some pretty good guesses at what this year’s hottest announcements will be.
Streamers, we’d ask you to refrain from asking developers if they’re willing to take on the ‘Yolk Ass Bitch Challenge’ live on camera, before slamming an egg into the butt of their dungarees. The smell is getting out of hand and one of you made Miyamoto cry.
Attendees please note, if you see David Cage, do not attempt to approach him and start a conversation. Please alert one of our on-site security staff, so that they may attempt to lure him outside with a copy of Stephen King’s On Writing.
Good afternoon, folks. We just wanted to take a moment to remind the folks who paid real, actual money for tickets to this event that they could be doing literally anything else today. You could have enjoyed a nice walk with your dog, who you haven’t gotten to spend much time with lately. You could have worked on that manuscript you haven’t told anyone about yet. You could have finally proposed to your partner. You know they keep dropping hints. But instead you’re here, two-hours deep into the line for Borderlands 3, trying not to think about the sunk cost fallacy. Remember this moment when you’re on your death bed, wondering what you would have changed if you could go back
Folks, we hate to have to do this, but we need people to stop feeding Cliffy B. We don’t know how he got in here. We’re not sure how or why he got his own booth. He has no games to announce. But we need you to stop fulfilling his requests for whole hams. This needs to be a learning moment for him, but that can’t happen if you keep bringing him food.
Janice, are you out there? It’s me, Greg. Listen. I’ll sign the divorce papers. I’ll go home tonight, and I’ll sign them. But please, talk to me. We don’t need to be husband and wife, but you’re still so important to me. I know that I’ve neglected you. I know that I spend too much time at work. But I’m the PA announcer for the Los Angeles Convention Centre, babe. It’s an important job. Extremely important. And frankly, I don’t think you’ve ever respected that
Attention, E3 attendees. We’ve just been informed that videogames, which we previously thought were good, are actually bad. They’re real bad. Please exit in an orderly manner so that the code contained within these halls can be rounded up and destroyed.