Local Man Actually Enjoys Video Game For Once in His Goddamn Miserable Life
Melbourne man Adam ‘Pwnbaggins’ Simpkins defied expectations this week by actually admitting to enjoying a video game.
Simpkins, generally regarded as a miserable prick by family and online acquaintances, contacted us on Tuesday to let us know that he “actually didn’t mind” the recent PC exclusive title Statistical Space Analysis, an extremely deep space-set RPG that involves what many critics have called “excessive” micromanagement of numerous in-game spreadsheets to survive.
“Obviously the critics are idiots” said Simpkins, somehow conveying the ugly smirk on his stupid face through our phone call. “Look, I’m not saying it’s perfect. I’ve put in 70 hours, and, you know, the story’s a little lame, but at least it actually respects me, as a man. I am definitely a man.”
“I’m just pleased that a serious developer that cares about real gamers has put out a game that just barely runs on my $8000 computer”, he wheezed. “It’ll make it so much easier to ask my parents for new parts for Easter.”
His father Terrence Simpkins, who describes his adult son simply as a “blight”, told us that he was shocked at the prospect of Adam enjoying something so much. “I don’t remember the last time I saw him this unperturbed”, he said. “It’s been days since he last ranted about George Lucas’ vision for Star Wars or spat on the floor”.
While Simpkins admitted that he “didn’t really care” about the game’s music, he was quite taken with all the calculations the game required him to perform, and was pleased that it took 15 hours for the first combat encounter to trigger, because it would “keep the casuals” at bay. He also appreciated the game’s painstaking commitment to realism in its exact placement of every star and planet in the galaxy, because he thinks he’s an astrologist now or something.
Simpkins was particularly pleased at the complete absence of women in the game, although we refused to allow him to comment further on this, no matter how loudly he sighed down the fucking phone.
“Look, honestly, I really need to put in another 50, maybe 100 hours before I can honestly say if it’s actually good”, Simpkins told us. “But right now I think it’s, like, alright.”
“Games are an art form and Roger Ebert died because he didn’t understand that” he added, unprompted.