6 Things You Need To Know About The Disney-Fox Merger

Now that this $70 billion merger is finally out of the way and the dust has settled, it’s time to look at what this means for all of our favourite fictional characters and fantastic worlds. Let’s jump right in!

The X-Men And The Avengers Can Now Finally Kiss

Fans of Marvel Comics will know that what makes this ‘shared universe’ approach to storytelling so great is that any of the characters could show up and kiss each other at any time. Unfortunately until now, a complex web of licensing arrangements meant that Wolverine was only allowed to kiss Cyclops, and Captain America only allowed to kiss Iron Man, while the other characters all stood silently and watched. With all of the different Marvel properties finally under one roof, we can expect to see some hasty re-shoots so that Endgame can have the correct post-credits scene that fans deserve.

Disney Now Owns Two Hundred Square Miles Of Land Deep In The Midwestern Desert

One for the pop culture trivia nerds: if you’ve been poring over the records of the merger which were filed with the Securites and Exchange Commission then you’ll see a blank [REDACTED] space on a map showing that Disney now has land holdings deep in the desert, away from any major air traffic routes, isolated from any mobile phone tower or satellite radiation, and with no public road access. We can’t wait to see what they’re cooking up out there!

The Alien Queen Is Now A Disney Princess

Although the rules for what technically constitutes a Disney Princess are quite obscure, Disney executives have made it clear that the Alien queen from Aliens (1986) joins the likes of Jasmine, Cindarella, Ariel and the rest as official Disney royalty. Insider sources suggest that a lucrative feature film starring the new girl power roster could be in the works, with the princesses set to open a joint venture coffee shop/global colonisation operation. Just another way that Disney is helping to advance the cause of feminism.

Rupert Murdoch’s Collection Of Powerful, Ancient Tomes Has Changed Hands

Over the course of his malevolent and disgraceful un-life, wretched lich Rupert Murdoch has reportedly acquired quite the collection of powerful and ancient tomes from civilisations past – and now Disney owns them all! The new and presumably entirely benevolent conglomerate is wasting no time developing entertainment properties for the folks at home, with Hollywood Reporter claiming that a convoy of armoured trucks “inscribed with runes that transfix the eye” has already transported the contents of Murdoch’s private library to an unknown location in the dead of night. Very cool!

Disney Could, Thereotically, Reshoot ‘Titanic’ Starring Goofy, But Why Would They

It stands to reason that a reshoot of the Academy Award-winning film Titanic (1997) where Leonardo di Caprio’s character Jack is replaced by the popular Disney character Goofy would be absolutely fucking appalling, but let’s face facts: they could do it. There’s absolutely nothing stopping Disney from creating a piece of cinema where we are all forced to watch Goofy say “gawrsh” as he slips into the freezing water, leaving Kate Winslet to survive and be rescued. They shouldn’t do it, but I’m just saying.

If You’ve Ever Purchased A Funko Pop, The Company Legally Owns Seven Litres Of Your Blood

No big deal here, but definitely something you will want to look into – before April 30, make sure you get down to a Disney Exsanguination Station and roll up your sleeve to hand over seven litres of the good stuff to the new megacorporation. At first glance this might seem “deeply concerning and possibly illegal,” but Disney assures pop culture fans that the tiny text written on the inside of the Funko Pop packaging is perfectly binding. Zany!

What other exciting things from the Disney-Fox merger can you think of? Sound off in the comments!

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