Hungover Xbox Executive Looking Forward To Discovering Which Exclusives He Purchased During Last Night’s Bender
Microsoft board member Randy Puwell is today nursing a severe hangover as he stumbles around his hotel room in downtown Los Angeles, starting to panic only slightly as the memories of all the exclusives he purchased during a wild E3 bender last night come flooding back.
Reports suggest that Puwell, who has smashed down some aspirin and is now holding a frozen bag of peas over his thundering head, appears to have purchased no less than seven different Xbox exclusives over the course of the evening.
Checking his wallet and groaning so mightily that it caused the cleaner outside to stop mid-vacuum and look around quizzically, the high-flying Microsoft executive sank into the sofa and began to recall that there was “some… fucking… pixel art… fucking… shit,” on the release list, before trailing off and fumbling for his sunglasses.
Over the next hour, sources claim that Puwell was able to recall the purchase of “some cel-shaded thing”, “the one about emotions, family, you know,” “bullet hell chiptunes 8 bit thing,” and one more as-yet-unidentified exclusive which he says “blockbuster BAFTA bait, real auteur shit.”
Although Puwell’s plans for the rest of E3 are unclear (having injured what he says is his “money-throwing arm”), the Microsoft executive made it clear that these exclusives would definitely be the ones to give the technology giant an edge over their rivals at Sony.
“Oh, Sony will be shitting themselves,” chuckled the nearly comatose Puwell from under the bag of peas. “They’ll get some arty shit like they always do, but we’ve got the, uh… the big auteur guy everyone likes. The big one.”
“They’re fucked, basically,” he continued before passing out and starting to snore loudly.
Speaking to Point & Clickbait, Puwell told us that we could look forward to learning more about these exciting new exclusives at E3 2020, and that we could “fuck off” until then.