Blizzard To Announce Discovery Of Fourth Character Archetype
The rumour mill is running hot this week with whispers that Blizzard Entertainment may have, after many years of scientific and creative research, discovered an incredible fourth character archetype to add to their games.
For many years, Blizzard has been leading the way in discovering every possible variation of the only three known character archetypes in fiction: Sexy Woman, Edgy Badass, and Fat Guy With Hook. Now the studio, which was the first to recognise that sometimes a Sexy Woman can be a mother, is once again at the forefront of innovation.
Eagle-eyed Redditors spotted a job posting this week for an entirely new creative writing position at Blizzard, noticing that the job requirements included a line suggesting that applicants “must be comfortable thinking outside the boundaries of sexy, edgy and hook.”
Radical, fringe-dwelling authors have for many years postulated the existence of a fourth character archetype, using measurements and observations from the other three to hypothesise that a fourth type of character – someone who is neither Sexy, Edgy or Fat With Hook – could potentially exist, just waiting to be discovered.
This comes fifteen years after the cancellation of Blizzard’s often-discussed but never seen ‘Dwarf With Troubled Past’, which was pulled from the schedule after the entire development team went “missing”.
If these rumours are true, it will be the first time that a new character archetype has been discovered since Shakespeare himself made the third and final discovery of Fat Guy With Hook in his famous play Titus Andronicus. Speaking to Point & Clickbait while polishing his hook, literature professor Cleb Stonton said that a fourth character archetype would be “unthinkable.”
“The reason that nobody has discovered a fourth character archetype is because it quite simply does not exist,” the professor told us. “I’ll be the first to give Blizzard the credit they deserve for discovering that you can create Evil Sexy Woman and Evil Edgy Badass simply by inverting the narrative field, but they can’t change the basic laws of fiction.”
Infamously, J.K. Rowling tried to invent a fourth archetype of her own for her popular Harry Potter series, but after separating the children in her story between the sexy group (Gryffindor), edgy group (Slytherin), and fat with hook group (Hufflepuff), she was forced to give up (hence the miscellaneous and under-developed Ravenclaw).
After the job posting began to attract attention, Blizzard quickly published a short story hinting that one of the health packs in Overwatch’s Volskaya Industries map was a sexy gay woman, before quietly deleting the job post in the ensuing excitement.