Mass Effect Andromeda: 10 Things We Just Can’t Wait To Fuck
There’s only a few short months until Mass Effect Andromeda crashes into our lives, and that means only one thing: fucking. BioWare’s space opera masterpieces are known for delivering the goods, and the fucksmiths at that company take great pride in delivering only the best. To get you hype for the upcoming release, we’ve analysed all the trailers and catalogued the top 10 things that we are going to fuck the living shit out of. Let’s get started!
10: The F69 Orbital Drop Supply Pod
Sensors hardwired in Ryder’s suit remain in constant communication with the Tempest in orbit at all times, activating an alert which fires a supply pod out of an orbital cannon right to Ryder’s locaton on the planet. That’s why when one of these things drops out of orbit right in front of a horny Ryder, you know it’s time to fuck.
This kind of fucking on demand is a new addition to the Mass Effect series, which has previously focused on long sessions of boring dialogue in the pursuit of fucking. Still, we trust that BioWare know what they’re doing, and we’re excited to fuck the supply pod!
9: Barithrean Steelwurm
This colossal beast lurks under the desert sands of Barithrea, hibernating for millennia and growing increasingly horny before rising to the surface once every 10,000 years in search of the best fucking on the planet. Such a rare event is the perfect setting for our hero Ryder, who just happens to be in the Andromeda galaxy at the time and is absolutely ready to fuck.
The rarity of this event is offset by the logistical difficulties involved in successfully fucking a creature of this size, particularly one with so many moving metal parts. Fucking the Steelwurm is recommended for advanced Mass Effect players only.
PeeBee’s reasons for joining Ryder are as mysterious as she is, but one thing is clear: this is an asari that wants to fuck. Exiled from her Ark for fucking too much, a high achievement among the famously fuck-happy Asari, PeeBee seeks a fresh start and a clean slate in the Andromeda galaxy. But what is her connection to the ancient Remnant artifacts — does she want to fuck them? Yes, she does.
7 – Lora Kinsburg
Although she may seem cool, calm and collected on the surface, town mayor Lora Kinsburg ‘s eyes light up when she sees Ryder enter the border settlement of Romanceville on her little backwater planet. Once Lora’s malfunctioning bionic eyes are sorted however, she’s more than happy to talk about what she can do for Ryder — and it’s not just fucking (it’s mostly fucking).
6 – Ryder
The self-proclaimed ‘conquistador of fucking’, Ryder’s mission to the Andromeda galaxy is clear: fucking. But what if, through an accident involving a cloning tank and a crash landing in the heady sex-mists of M’kall, Ryder and Ryder ended up… fucking? It might sound far-fetched but we’ve got our fingers crossed that BioWare are willing to push the boundaries of video game romance to new and exciting places.
5 – The Kra’ath Fuckbeast
Xenobiologists have long speculated about the life cycle of the Kra’ath Fuckbeast, a mysterious lifeform that only inhabits one planet in the Greater Kra’ath system. Despite its name, the Fuckbeast is most famous for long-term, loving relationships and is highly selective about who it chooses as its life partner — taking great care to establish healthy personal boundaries and a mutually beneficial, emotionally balanced relationship. It also fucks real good, and we are going to fuck it.
4 – Tender Harry, Wandering Masseuse
When Ryder first finds Harry, he’s nothing but a down-on-his-luck masseuse, operating his run-down massage shack by the side of the road on Bibnak Theta. A Paragon-inclined Ryder can let Harry move into the Tempest on a permanent basis however, making him a key member of the staff and a valuable asset in strategy councils.
There’s no solid information right now, but fans believe that Harry slowly falls in love with Ryder over the course of the game, culminating in a spectacularly emotional ‘massage’ right before Ryder leaves to save the planet. Unfortunately Harry isn’t very good at fucking and the whole experience is disappointing and awkward, so this one is mostly for completionists and achievement hunters.
3 – Drack
Mass Effect Andromeda is breaking new ground in so many ways, but one of them is Drack — proudly announced by BioWare as the first fuckable Krogan in the series. Previous Mass Effect players had to resort to standing next to a Krogan and crouching repeatedly to simulate fucking, which many game journalists (rightly) criticised as “bitterly disappointing” and “only slightly erotic”. Drack promises to remedy this disgusting oversight, programmed with the hard, fast and often-lethal Krogan style of fucking which so many players have been begging for.
2 – The Sphere Between The Stars Which Consumes All Life
Widely speculated to be a Renegade-only romance option, The Sphere plays hard to get and no mistake! A tenacious Ryder can woo The Sphere with a series of gifts and sacrifices, offering trinkets, baubles and the occasional population of a planet to satiate the relentless appetite of The Sphere. Once this is finally achieved, Ryder discovers that The Sphere has another relentless appetite — for fucking.
1 – The Titanium Rings Of Engorgia Prime
Nobody knows who constructed these rings, but it’s one mystery Ryder is determined to solve. Seemingly built for a creature of ancient size to fuck on a planetary scale, Ryder knows the fate of the Andromeda galaxy — and of their crew of fuck-happy scamps — is inextricably tied to decoding this erotic enigma. We can’t wait to see how Ryder defeats the fuck-blocking Remnant aliens and finally gives the Andromeda galaxy the shuddering release it desperately needs.
Precursor races, alien mysteries, and non-stop fucking at every turn? This is what Mass Effect is all about. Tell us which thing in Andromeda you’re most looking forward to fucking in the comments below!