Unreal Engine Five Review: The Triangles Are Smaller Now, And There Are More Of Them

In today’s world of video games, both the videoers and the gamers alike want only one thing: triangles. And these sons of bitches just can’t get enough of the three-sided little motherfuckers pouring into their eyeballs like little shards of pure joy – a sentence which, at least on a conceptual level, brings us to today’s review of the Unreal Engine Five. 

Are you sitting down? Well get ready to stand up and then fall over again only to be caught by the chair you just stood up from, because the Unreal Goddamn Engine Five has more fucking triangles than a piece of shit like you can even perceive. Just look at this scene:

How many triangles do you think are in that scene alone? Five? Six? Eleven? Absolutely wrong, you fucking idiot, because the answer is twenty seven trillion. That’s right. And what’ll really rip your dick off this time around is that each of those triangles has a unique name – a huge leap forward from the frankly fucking pedestrian Unreal Engine Four, where all of the triangles had the same name, and it wasn’t even a good one (“Blemby”).

There are so many triangles in Unreal Engine Five that the developers are now warning that they “don’t even know where most of them are” and “they could be anywhere”. Are you fucking getting this shit? Is any of this shit getting through to your two-sided brain? There will be more triangles, and some of them will even be lit up and look hella realistic. Jesus ass Christ heck. 

You’re not convinced? Imagine playing some kind of game where you are a guy who is good at guns and you use your guns to shoot the shit out of some motherfucking bad guys. Incredible, right? Well now imagine those bad guys have so many triangles that when you shoot them their fucking head explodes and showers you in gore and viscera that is so realistic you LITERALLY get PTSD and need to see a therapist. I’m talking about the future of gaming right here. 

Shooting people and killing them. Are you ready for this level of game-changer? Only the Unreal Engine Five and its twenty seven trillion triangles can deliver that kind of gun violence experience, and also Madden probably because why not. Or maybe a kind of fighting game where you beat people up. God the possibilities are just endless, and it’s all because of really small triangles. Triangles!

Historians know that the reason the Luddite movement hated technology so much was because Luddites were scared of triangles, which is what it sounds like you are doing with your refusal to ejaculate on command about this. Unreal. Engine. Triangles. Am I making sense here? Game developers are going to be putting so many triangles together that you’ll be like “What is this, Deus Ex Human Revolution? And I’ll be like, no you fucking idiot, that used the proprietary Crystal Engine developed by Crystal Dynamics. Do you even get art direction jokes? God this is just like talking to my dad.

Everyone except you apparently is popping the fuck off about getting on the next train to Triangle Town, but don’t hurt your tiny brain trying to catch up because there’s still a while to go until we can finally see what it’s like to shoot a guy in a video game. Hank Unreal, the inventor of this fucking epoch-changing triangle factory, says that he needs time to put all the triangles in a row and re-count them to make sure he hasn’t missed any. Fucking incredible dedication to the job and it’s just a shame a dullard like you is too dense to respect that kind of craftsmanship.

Anyway to wrap up: one, two, three, that’s the amount of sides on a triangle. If you make those triangles small enough and use enough of them, you can make a boob, and that, gentlemen, is video games.

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