Sure, I Guess: Tetris Tops Pornhub Video Game Search, Somehow
The annual Pornhub video game search results have been released, leaving many observers stunned to learn that the title causing the most jerking off is none other than tried and true classic, Tetris.
Beating out and off a fierce field of competitors including the overtly horny Overwatch and the quietly horny Apex Legends, Tetris locked in the winning vote by a slim margin after a recent surge in videos with titles like “Hot Red Takes Four At Once” and “Long Rod Drops Into Perfectly Fitting Hole.”
When pushed to explain the figures, Pornhub’s Chief Jerking Officer Elorg Glenst told Point & Clickbait that their viewership data showed the Tetris watchers were largely “whatever the generation after millennials are called,” and that they appeared to be masturbating “ironically”.
“We can sense these things,” Glenst continued. “We have analytics on this stuff. It’s absolutely fucked up.”
After topping the list for the last two years running, the Overwatch team have been devastated by the news that people would, in the year 2019, apparently rather crank one out to a constantly evaporating wall of Soviet Union era pixels.
“It’s a goddamn disgrace,” explained Overwatch art director Bill Petras, a single tear running down his face. “I personally spent more than 700 hours making sure that Widowmaker’s ass was exactly the right shape. The soft curves. The specular highlights. Two animators gave their lives just to get the perfect, ridiculous swagger when she walks. Their lives!”
“And look at Tracer! God, her pants look spray painted on. Because they are! I spray painted them on. I did all of this just to win that Pornhub award or whatever,” he added, convincingly, before terminating the interview to “go to the bathroom”.